Fail at Love

What does it mean to fail at love? How do we judge each other and ourselves when our love just doesn’t measure up, or we split up, either from a person or an entire family? We have failed marriages, broken homes, and broken hearts, but really, do these metaphors work? If we manifest what we believe, then why do we keep believing silly things that make us feel sad? Things like, if we really loved each other we could stay together, or make it work, or make it last. Or why do we tell each other things like I will love you forever, or I can’t live without you, or I’ve never felt this way before? 

Not so sure. At one time, I believed I failed at love, because I believed I failed at marriage and at being a family, but now I know, it was the construct of marriage that failed, and I actually, have succeeded brilliantly. The construct that two relative strangers can get to know each other well enough in a more or less acceptable amount of time to understand that they can live well together, and grow together is rather unbelievable, is it not? I’m not saying it’s not possible, I’m saying, it’s just not that probable! But what do we do? We all hold out for it, we pray for it, we long for it; then we meet, we date, and if we’re heterosexual and in the mood, we marry. Everyone holds their breath, they want it to ‘work’ they want it to ‘last’--as much for the couple, as for themselves, because they want to believe. 

Believe what though? That there is such a thing as true love? That life is only meaningful if we can find someone to live with? That true love is the love that lasts a certain amount of time? Really? I think of folks who are hard on themselves, or ashamed, of either being single or divorced, or so unhappily married that they will never tell a soul, not even their spouse. We have such a fear of not succeeding at love, that we doom ourselves to lives of quiet desperation. All the energy that we put into fooling ourselves and others, that could be directed into loving ourselves, in taking care of ourselves in the way that only we could, is lost. After all, don’t we know what we really want and need? How could someone else know, unless we tell them. 

I believe that people are amazing and lovable, and sometimes people can stand to live with each other, and sometimes even be good for each other; provide whatever it is or combination of what it is that the other might want. There’s not a certain thing, though, not a certain combination, it’s different for everyone, and that’s the catch. We cannot really come up with a universal construct for love, in this sense. So, I also believe, that the best you can do is love yourself, love your friends, love your family, and whoever else crosses your path. And love who you can, for however long that you can, and that, is success. When you love, there is no failure, there is no length of time that confirms success, and no relationship rules that will prove certain. Life is uncertain, and that is the beauty.  A strong heart never breaks, it just keeps beating. So, go on now, love, because really, you can never fail at love.