The day dawned brighter today than it has in a long time. No matter that it is sub zero temp outside, the day looks promising. I could see blue, pink, white reflected on my stainless steel turner in the utensil jar on my counter, I turned to look out my little window, and sure enough the sun was rising peachy pink.
I’m finally thinking that things just might be ok. Maybe losing the last regular job that I had was a good thing, after all, like people told me it was. I do know now, that I liked working at a university, and being in a doctorate program, because it validated for me that I was smart; something I’d heard my whole life, but really, truly, never knew what it meant. I mean seriously, what does it mean? And interestingly, I don’t feel as smart now, but maybe that is ok, too. I’m trying to feel feelings, not things, these days.
I miss being a part of an organization that I could rail against, yep, maybe just like me getting kicked out of seventh grade, having something to be against was almost as good as having something to be for. But I do believe the saying, that what we resist, persists, and it does, and it will, and so, really, cutting my losses and walking away was the best thing for me.
What I love about the passing of time is the clarity it brings. I’m getting wise enough to know that we don’t get all the answers when we want them, but it’s good enough to get some answers, in time. Making sense somehow makes space, and that’s what happening for me now, both a making sense, and a making of space. I’ve found time in my life to take care of me, and it is pretty awesome, actually. Without being trite to say, I’ve lost ten pounds, and I eat at least three times a day. I’ve started doing yoga again. And I’m turning my attention back to my home now, too.
While I was in school, I told myself I had to just live like a college student, and really, I did. I lived with the furniture I had, even though it was falling apart, I ate on the run, I stayed up late writing papers and barely had time to breathe. Now I want new furniture. I want to savor just sitting around. I want a big beautiful desk to write on. And I want part II of the manga Monster to read. (Part I is fabulous!) Actually, I want a whole bookshelf full of manga and graphic novels, instead of research articles. I don’t know if I’m smart anymore, or if it matters if people see me as smart. I want to feel what I feel, and see what I see, and know that my own reflection matters.
