teaching yourself to believe

how do you begin to believe again?

for myself and for my clients

I have to restore the power of

belief

that has been given away or stolen

or replaced with a belief or beliefs

that are not only false

but invalid

we have too often been given a ticket

if you will

to nowhere

to no change


and we are left
wondering
how we missed the bus
how we find ourselves lost

but you see

we all change

and we need to change

and in spite of what people tell you and me

I’m not believing anymore that people don’t like change

I love change

I hate stagnancy

I hate not moving forward

I’m actually impatient for change

so for those of you who think you hate change

lose that belief and embrace change 

that’s the start

to believing in yourself

so well loved, or keeping up with the

I’m not sure how to explain how it feels to be so well loved. . .

I think it has something to do with the Kardashians, and what they have to tell us about family, about belonging, and the power of goddess love. 

My oldest Kathleen, loves the Kardashians, and she says that for her they fill the void she feels when she misses her family, the Crawfordians. At first, I was skeptical, I mostly don’t care for television, or pop culture, and when I watched the show, I didn’t see how this family reminded my daughter of our family, except, for the obvious, that there were three sisters (if you don’t count the younger ones), who love each other, and their mom.  

But today it got me thinking about what these women are about, and what they are about is family and togetherness. They are what some family therapists might call enmeshed, and their connectedness and strength might scare many males off; all these women, caring so much about each other. Wanting to be together, work together, play together, shop together. What’s up with all this togetherness, when we should all be out there differentiating, making money and ruling the world. Hey I guess these women are doing it all. They are making money, and ruling their world, and being together, too. They are doing it, but differently. While a man might say, “Hey, I’m off to work, don’t bother me,” they are saying, “Hey, I’m off to work, come on along, we’ll do it together and have fun.” 

Differentiation, even when I look it up, seems like a weird family therapy construct to me, it’s something like having different feelings and thoughts from your family. It’s supposed to be a sign that you are thinking for yourself (perhaps?). But if you look at many big names in family therapy, they are not differentiated from things like their faith, their beliefs in the hierarchical nature of relationships, and/or patriarchy. Many pride themselves on thinking just like the Pope. So, then, who’s thoughts are these, and why is it so important to not think like others? Which others? Is this possible? 

I think it is kind of fun to think like others, and to share feelings, mine and others. That is the thing with families that are close, you have similar thoughts and feelings. Isn’t that what makes some families so awkward, you have to avoid some people because you don’t think and feel the same way about things? You have to avoid those conversations that are uncomfortable. I’m not talking about not having space to disagree, for that happens in my family, but when we do, the space around our disagreeing is filled with curiosity and love, not shame and judgement. 

On this Pride weekend, I feel good seeing so many folks with their VOTE NO t-shirts and signs. I feel strong in solidarity that there are others who want all families to be able to be legal families. I get tired of differentiation, of making sets of rules about families and relationships. Sometimes, like Kathleen, I just want to be with my family. Lately, more and more, I just want to be with my family, that seems like the greatest thing I could be doing. I am so blessed to be so well loved.  Love to Kathleen and the Kardashians and all families, even ones that embrace male hierarchy (however that’s working for you).  

summer breeze

sitting around all morning

a bit of yoga

deep breathing meditation

looking for songs on itunes

hmm not like I remembered

or it brings memories or thoughts of 

you and I need to move on

sun streaming through 

white sheer curtains

inviting me

to come outside

walk

feel the 

air on my face

smile at the 

sky

clouds

tree tops filled with 

leaves 

remembering other

lazy summer days

gathering them up

immersed in the feeling

coming back to now

past the longest day of summer

sliding into fall

already

open window

the breeze blows

the future 

in

Photo Beautiful

mama had photos of herself 

when she was young 

and oh so beautiful 

glamour girl

in fur and pearls

wind blowing unpinned curls

be pretty

be slim

be black and white photo beautiful 

suck in your tummy

hold your head up

heels on walk slow

1940’s beauty

could take you anywhere

you’d want to go

a fading life

in black in white

no color

to reveal

who you really are

how you really feel 

Fail at Love

What does it mean to fail at love? How do we judge each other and ourselves when our love just doesn’t measure up, or we split up, either from a person or an entire family? We have failed marriages, broken homes, and broken hearts, but really, do these metaphors work? If we manifest what we believe, then why do we keep believing silly things that make us feel sad? Things like, if we really loved each other we could stay together, or make it work, or make it last. Or why do we tell each other things like I will love you forever, or I can’t live without you, or I’ve never felt this way before? 

Not so sure. At one time, I believed I failed at love, because I believed I failed at marriage and at being a family, but now I know, it was the construct of marriage that failed, and I actually, have succeeded brilliantly. The construct that two relative strangers can get to know each other well enough in a more or less acceptable amount of time to understand that they can live well together, and grow together is rather unbelievable, is it not? I’m not saying it’s not possible, I’m saying, it’s just not that probable! But what do we do? We all hold out for it, we pray for it, we long for it; then we meet, we date, and if we’re heterosexual and in the mood, we marry. Everyone holds their breath, they want it to ‘work’ they want it to ‘last’--as much for the couple, as for themselves, because they want to believe. 

Believe what though? That there is such a thing as true love? That life is only meaningful if we can find someone to live with? That true love is the love that lasts a certain amount of time? Really? I think of folks who are hard on themselves, or ashamed, of either being single or divorced, or so unhappily married that they will never tell a soul, not even their spouse. We have such a fear of not succeeding at love, that we doom ourselves to lives of quiet desperation. All the energy that we put into fooling ourselves and others, that could be directed into loving ourselves, in taking care of ourselves in the way that only we could, is lost. After all, don’t we know what we really want and need? How could someone else know, unless we tell them. 

I believe that people are amazing and lovable, and sometimes people can stand to live with each other, and sometimes even be good for each other; provide whatever it is or combination of what it is that the other might want. There’s not a certain thing, though, not a certain combination, it’s different for everyone, and that’s the catch. We cannot really come up with a universal construct for love, in this sense. So, I also believe, that the best you can do is love yourself, love your friends, love your family, and whoever else crosses your path. And love who you can, for however long that you can, and that, is success. When you love, there is no failure, there is no length of time that confirms success, and no relationship rules that will prove certain. Life is uncertain, and that is the beauty.  A strong heart never breaks, it just keeps beating. So, go on now, love, because really, you can never fail at love. 

Unbound

Equal: (from Thesaurus)

adjective

1 lines of equal length: identical, uniform, alike, like, the same, equivalent; matching, even, comparable, similar, corresponding. ANTONYMS different.

2 fares equal to a month's wages: equivalent to, identical to, amounting to; proportionate to; commensurate with, on a par with. ANTONYMS more than, less than.

3 equal treatment before the law: unbiased, impartial, nonpartisan, fair, just, equitable; unprejudiced, nondiscriminatory, egalitarian; neutral, objective, disinterested. ANTONYMS discriminatory.

4 an equal contest: evenly matched, even, balanced, level; on a par, on an equal footing; informal fifty-fifty, neck and neck. ANTONYMS uneven.

After writing about women’s pay not being equal, I kept thinking about the concept of equal, or equality. I thought about how for so long, the way we looked at life was to count, to quantify whatever it was that we imagined could be measured, and we also then believed that things being equal meant that things were fair. This however, means taking a huge step back from reality, and imagining, or supposing that we could know all the variables there are to measure, and that by measuring, we could be sure of the measure. And then with the measuring, believing things are equal. (See above.) Which, if we read the above, we know, equal is impossible. 

We still see this, we still see people thinking that because in the US we have the concept of equal opportunity, that equal opportunity exists. It is very easy for many of us who have white privilege to see things this simply. But the truth is, it is not that simple. For one, we really cannot measure most intangible things. There will always be only a correlation at best between reality and that which is being measured. Life is not static, it is always changing, that what we measured today may have different variables attached to it tomorrow. 

And the harm, that I saw in my writing about equal, is that it limits me in my thinking, something I hope never happens. It limits me to anger and to trying to change a whole system, instead of focusing on my life, and what I can change. Yet it also helped me to to see, and be reminded of the fact that I am not bound by cultural norms, or expectations, or bound to always make less money than men, simply because I am a woman. I can be, for the sake of science terminology, an outlier. But I prefer to just believe that I am unbound. Unbound by the system, unbound by the thoughts, even that I think about what life is or could be. I am unbound and therefore able to live in energy that is unmeasurable. Continuing to thrive in abundance in that which can’t be quantified. Who really, would want to count the stars? 

Equal

There are too many things that I want to do in life. There, it’s said, and saying it gets it out there, but I’m not sure it’s going to make it any easier for me to start to try to get some focus in my life. One of the things that makes my life harder, is looking around me at the world, and knowing the fact that women still make considerably less money than men do; this makes my life harder on a real-life, practical level, in many ways. 

The research tells us that today, white women make 77 cents for every dollar that a white man makes, and Black and Hispanic women make even less, between 56 and 64 cents an hour. This is for the same type of work. Research also shows that the pay gap widens as women get older. Perhaps this is why I keep working so hard to keep up with the men in my life, as is this was some sort of race, but you know, it is. It’s a race to keep my condo, a race to pay the bills, a race to have enough, but in this race, women are hobbled, and no one is sayin “Hey, let’s untie the rope.” That is, except for mostly women, who already have too much on their plates. 

Even writing this feels like bad juju. Like I’m just another angry woman, like the cranky energy from thinking and feeling this way will jinx me and I’ll make even less money than I do now. That no man will want to be with me, because I’m breaking the ‘be nice’ rule women hear over and over again. So where is the answer then? How do we as women live our lives, enjoy ourselves and not be angry too much of the time and still move equal pay forward? I remember only 5 or 6 years ago when a man I was working with remarked that another young man had left his job there for better pay saying, “Well, he’s a father now, he has to make more money.” I kept wondering while I stood there, don’t you understand, that I as a woman support my daughters? 

When are we going to stop having the silly Father Knows Best world play out in our heads  when it never did and never will match up to any sort of lived reality? As our economy and job situation continues to evolve, where will we end up? How can we close these gaps? I don’t know. I will put it out there though, that along with all the things I want to do in my life, I want to move the good things forward, and leave the troublesome things behind. And, oh yeah, marriage for all.