Independence Day

I am not Amelia Earhart, but I have achieved a modicum of independence, on this Independence Day. My independence was hard won in some ways, inherited in others. Nature times nurture, or vice versa. I come from a family of strong women on my mother’s side, and she was the most dependent of all of them. She became Catholic, because my dad was, married young, had lots of babies, and swore she’s never let them get the best of her, I guess she was scared, of her own kids. 

So the lesson I learned, quite young, was not to ever need anyone. It ruined your life and made you bitter. It took away all your chances for adventure. So, what did I do? I had my ex become Catholic, married young and had lots of kids, (well, 3 is lots for my generation). But then I did something different, when my life seemed to be completely running out, I divorced my ex and decided to put the energy I was putting into my marriage into my own life.  And when I did this, a miracle happened, my life started growing, and my relationships started blossoming, and I realized that I had to prune my life too. I had to start ending relationships that were simply draining me, that were not sustaining to me, and it was okay. 

Then, with all this independence gained, how do I choose to want relationship? Do I want someone to save me? No. Do I want someone to save, to rescue, to reinvent? Hardly. Do I want someone to have a family with? In some ways, yes, in the understanding of what it means to be family, coming to terms with the terms. If we don’t see relationships as we want to have them, then how do we know what we want? How will it feel? I know now, that for a long time, I was afraid of someone coming into my life and taking away my chances to grow up. This is a rational fear for a woman, many men (and women) think that a woman’s role in a relationship is to be rather childlike, helpless, sweet and when angry, impotent, but cute. 

Now, I’ve had my independence, so much of it in fact, that I’ve run out of things to be independent about. I’m ready for an easy dependence, that kind that comes from finding someone reliable in their own right. Someone comfortable in their own life. Someone willing to share their thoughts and feelings and with the ability to create a relationship, not fall into a relationship pattern forged by the past. I want something shiny and new, and dull and old, and both comfortable and adventurous, like life. A good friend (and neighbor) just moved a couple of weeks ago, and before she left, she wished for me to find someone, and she put it beautifully when she said, “with someone to love, joy is doubled and sorrow halved.”