No Longer Pursuing Happiness

On a long, hot, walk today, I decided I was no longer pursuing happiness. I have been (still) calling back my pieces, calling out my maiden name, “Theresa Maher”, all the pieces that need to come back to me. All the little girl pieces, all the times I wanted to laugh and would get in trouble if I did, all the times, I learned not to cry, because if I did, I would be given something to cry about. All the times adults were ludicrous, and I knew it, but I had to keep my tongue. The pieces I left, being forced to kneel in the coatroom in Catholic school for some unforeseeable offense. So the pieces come back as I walk, and it is hard, and overwhelming, but necessary. Necessary to clear all the energy that blocks my ability to feel what I feel in the moment, necessary to not carry all the hurt any further into the future. Necessary to be able to explain to my clients, not just how it’s done, but that it’s possible and necessary, and that others (myself included) have gone before them, healing and becoming whole. 

Just seeing my maiden name above hurts, and I guess I need to write about it. It is the name of my child self, the child self who was mostly invisible, and when visible, in trouble it seemed, or horribly confused. The youngest daughter, soon, as my two younger brothers caught up to me in size, the smallest person in the house. Sometimes, I still feel like that small child, but now, I can be there for myself. I can tell myself that life really is safe, and that when adults are ludicrous, now, I can laugh. Sometimes with them, the ones that are self-aware. So, as I call in my pieces, as I gather myself up, time and time again, I realize that happiness need not be part of my plan. 

Much was written in the past couple of years about women and happiness, and it sort of fell on deaf ears for me. How could I have possibly even thought about pursuing happiness, when I was busy pursuing food and shelter for my children and myself? And to be honest, I was always more into finding self-realization than happiness, thank you Ram Dass. So, if I’m not pursuing happiness, and I have a modicum of self-realization, what is there? 


Equanimity, safety and joy, that’s what. Equanimity is a good one for me, it’s the opposite of anxiety, which I still struggle with. Safety has not been a given for me, I realize this with sadness. Although my life has not been horribly unsafe, it’s more that I don’t feel safe. I think this comes from the chaotic household I grew up in; and then after being married for 15 years and believing I had some safety there, it simply evaporated somehow. I’m holding out safety for myself, and the belief that I can find it also in the shelter of someone else, someday. And so then there’s joy; what’s not to want about joy. Joy is what carries me through each day, it is the closest at hand for me, and I can’t live without it. And really, I don’t have to pursue joy, it is there, in the energy of love, in the morning sky, in the ripples on the lake, in the smiles of people passing by, in the eyes of connecting with someone, defenses down.