Power & Presence

I finally finished reading The Alphabet Versus the Goddess, and now much of history and misogyny and power makes more sense to me than it ever did. I am tired from reading it, yet somehow wanting to research more and not only make more sense of it, but try to convert this sense into sensibility, into a way that women (and men too) can understand power and how it can be distorted, so that we can change this and learn to move into gender and power balance. Just saying. . .

This is what I’m thinking, that when it was realized that in each human we have two hemispheres, that somehow, (and according to Shlain) it was the male that adopted the left hemisphere, (the hunter) and it was the female that adopted the right brain, (the gatherer, and so became the relationship nurturer). The problem with this though, is that both genders need both halves of our hemispheres for balance. We do carry within us, at least in our brains, both genders, so to speak. 

So, we have this going on, plus we have the fact that women are not socialized to take risks in the same way as men (research confirms this); and women therefore, do not reap as many benefits. Think about it, if a boy is socialized to take 5 risks a day, and only 2 reap benefits, that is 2 benefits a day. If a girl is socialized to only take 1 risk a day, and it doesn’t work out as she hoped, she is demoralized and has no benefit to offset the disappointment. Multiply this day in and day out, and year in and year out and we have a culture of men who have much more going for them, and who continue to be much more willing to take risks. 

And the truth is, the most risky thing to do in life is to not take risks. I don’t just know this intellectually, I know this in my bones, it’s been at the heart of my life for as long as I can remember. Ever since I was in 2nd grade and I wanted to be more like my brothers, and less like my sisters. Ever since I wanted power and freedom and autonomy and not be told to clear the table and wash the dishes while my brothers took off on their bikes, with their cigarettes and their lighters, allowed to just hang out with friends. Encouraged to take risks and be adventuresome. 

All this stuff, all these thoughts are swirling through my head, and at the same time I have three new books I am reading all at once, The Master and his Emissary, another book on the left brain/right brain split, Imagine, a book that posits imagination resides in the ability to integrate our hemispheres (the corpus callosum anyone?), and thirdly, a book called The Presence Process: A Healing Journey Into Present Moment Awareness. I am getting the feeling however, that I may need to put aside The Master and his Emissary, and return Imagine to the library, and enter into this healing journey of presence. 

The challenge with this, is how do I move the pieces of my life around in such a way that I can keep some sort of security and equilibrium, enough so to be grounded, and yet open up enough time for the research and writing that an undertaking such as this might entail? How do I research and create understanding around areas of power and presence? 

I feel like I’m preparing for a journey, and as usual, it’s best to travel light. All this information, and all these ideas in my head need some time to gestate. My youngest daughter is making fun of me for reading the Presence book, she tells me, “Mom, why do you keep reading all these self-help books when really you are fine?” I thanked her for this odd compliment, noted that perhaps I am fine, but I do want to make more money, to which she noted, “You are doing that already too.” And it’s not just about the money, it’s about creating something that sustains me, creatively and financially, while allowing me more time to be present.  

So if I am now fine, then where will this quest lead me? Seriously, I am now working too many hours for too little money. I still don’t have enough money to take my daughters on a Sex In the City shopping trip; where all four of us are walking down the Nicollet Mall, looking fabulous, like Carrie and friends, carrying an obscene amount of shopping bags, and we are headed somewhere chic for a fabulous lunch. This is one of my bucket list goals. So, in my mind, I’m not there yet. 

Which leads me to part of the message in The Presence Process, the fact that in the present, we are often projecting into the future, yet we are here. Which makes me wonder, what is it in my socialization that makes me so future centered? In a balanced life, we enjoy our past, our memories, learn from them, be planful about the future, and also, also, be present in well, the present. I am hopeful to take a walk today, where I am able to let all this stuff, all these thoughts, plans and dreams and desires, somehow balance out throughout my mind & body, as to give me the strength to continue to take the risks I need to take, to reap the benefits of a life well lived. And maybe write a seminal book on power, and gender, and on ways we can all move forward, while staying grounded in the present.