Before In The Beginning

Having been a student of CS Lewis’ works and life, it was clear, that this man’s journey, both personal and as an artist, was formed by his adopting Christianity into his life. Christianity, it seemed, created a cohesive and abstract way of interpreting his life, and this influence gave his writing a container, a meaning, his message of Christ as the lion in Narnia. He was able to reign in his imagination around these stories. Because he integrated his right and left hemispheres, literal and images (imagination), he is often found to be a heretic, a non-believer by some fundamentalists.

This it seems, is part of the belief system for some, to systematically decide and then deride those who are labeled unbelievers, in some, more compassionate folks, derision is replaced with the act of praying for them. Lewis also had an ally in his faith building, non other than J.R.R. Tolkien, also a Christian, a Roman Catholic Christian. The two shared not only faith, but imagination and gifts for language. Mastery of the written language. Because they added a dimension of story, of metaphor to this faith, they were hugely popular. They were able to add a human dimension to a faith story that denied the power of the image. They subtly included image to a stark set of word/rules.

My journey it seems is the backward journey of Lewis. Whereas Lewis found the Christian system comforting, and a way to make sense of the chaos inherent in life, I have found the Christian system in which I was brought up and indoctrinated in, stifling and confusing. I am moving in the direction of no faith, or no faith in constructed systems that hope to order or control what might to some be fearful chaos. I instead, am moving to chaos, moving to the protection of the randomness of the universe, am finding solace in the solid dirt, the black sky, the limitless number of stars and moving away as I find answers in the written word, from the written word, from worshipping the God/Word back to the Goddess.

Intriguing that as I read, I understand more how limited this way of knowing is. For years, at least fifteen, I read through the Bible every day. I read through different versions every year, memorizing, at times using these verses as a filter, as Lewis did, to understand, interpret, and at times defend my life. These words gave meaning and through them I made meaning of my life. But pretty soon, I ran out of words, I ran out of metaphors from the Bible, from, God’s word. Instead of giving me freedom, these words, these stories, were taking away my freedom. And the more I read Lewis’ writings, the more I found him to be just like me, mortal, moving (interpreting) the words and verses to fit his life. So, where did this leave me? Still looking for a system with which to make sense of things, a system outside of myself, when I now see, I have all that I need within myself. I see now that I am man and woman, I am right brain and left brain, I am literate and imaginative. I am alive and whole and words, are only well, words, and so only I can navigate my life into the future, and make sense of my past in the way that best prepares me for my future.

I have been reading a book that is illuminating much of this for me, The Alphabet Versus the Goddess, by Leonard Shlain. Shlain’s proposal is that it was the alphabet, and the written word’s emphasis on left brain thinking, that dethroned the Goddess for humans. As he notes, in the Ten Commandments, we are told that only a male god, and alone at that created all of creation, firmly taking away the concept, and the truth, that creating is an act of both male and female, and that human creation fully needs both males and females. This book carefully shows how power was taken from women throughout history. And now I see, how for me, power was a male construct, and for much of my life, in my own quest for power, I had only framed power in the male construct of power, not seeing, my own, inherent female power and way of knowing. So, by reading the words of a male author, and authority figure, (Shlain was trained as a surgeon), I am regaining my female power, acknowledging that which I never lost, but was not able to see, that words are indeed powerful but I too, just in my being, without words, am powerful also.