I really don’t know much about chaos theory, but I am way an expert on chaos. Anyone seen my bedroom lately? Hurry, shut the door. Seriously, my kids would look at me like I’m a liar when I’m saying it, but I have had my moments of organization. A friend also noted, that “hey, you wouldn’t have two graduate degrees if you weren’t somehow organized and disciplined." That’s all good and true, but right now, my life feels very chaotic, but I’m ok with it. I’m just thinking the chaos will calm down, settle down into something, something different than what my life was before, but it will be fine.
A writing project that I have a piece accepted for has been fully funded on kickstarter.com, so that means I will be published this year in an anthology! It feels like after a lifetime of wanting to be a real writer, it’s finally happening. I’m more than a couple of years now into my private practice as a therapist, and I’m still loving it, and feeling like this is a good path for my life. My children continue to grow, and have their brilliant moments and their moments of still, well, behaving like children, but I think that’s part of the joy.
I’m having more fun, paying less attention to the things that I used to make so sure to keep in order, so it feels chaotic, but it also feels more like embracing life, and loosening my grip on the wheel a bit. Who knows, maybe I’ll let someone else drive once in a while. Inside the chaos, you can feel the wind on your face, you can see colors moving really fast, you can see the less important fall away, the more important get lifted up, you know what, this chaos, it moves you.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Before In The Beginning
Having been a student of CS Lewis’ works and life, it was clear, that this man’s journey, both personal and as an artist, was formed by his adopting Christianity into his life. Christianity, it seemed, created a cohesive and abstract way of interpreting his life, and this influence gave his writing a container, a meaning, his message of Christ as the lion in Narnia. He was able to reign in his imagination around these stories. Because he integrated his right and left hemispheres, literal and images (imagination), he is often found to be a heretic, a non-believer by some fundamentalists.
This it seems, is part of the belief system for some, to systematically decide and then deride those who are labeled unbelievers, in some, more compassionate folks, derision is replaced with the act of praying for them. Lewis also had an ally in his faith building, non other than J.R.R. Tolkien, also a Christian, a Roman Catholic Christian. The two shared not only faith, but imagination and gifts for language. Mastery of the written language. Because they added a dimension of story, of metaphor to this faith, they were hugely popular. They were able to add a human dimension to a faith story that denied the power of the image. They subtly included image to a stark set of word/rules.
My journey it seems is the backward journey of Lewis. Whereas Lewis found the Christian system comforting, and a way to make sense of the chaos inherent in life, I have found the Christian system in which I was brought up and indoctrinated in, stifling and confusing. I am moving in the direction of no faith, or no faith in constructed systems that hope to order or control what might to some be fearful chaos. I instead, am moving to chaos, moving to the protection of the randomness of the universe, am finding solace in the solid dirt, the black sky, the limitless number of stars and moving away as I find answers in the written word, from the written word, from worshipping the God/Word back to the Goddess.
Intriguing that as I read, I understand more how limited this way of knowing is. For years, at least fifteen, I read through the Bible every day. I read through different versions every year, memorizing, at times using these verses as a filter, as Lewis did, to understand, interpret, and at times defend my life. These words gave meaning and through them I made meaning of my life. But pretty soon, I ran out of words, I ran out of metaphors from the Bible, from, God’s word. Instead of giving me freedom, these words, these stories, were taking away my freedom. And the more I read Lewis’ writings, the more I found him to be just like me, mortal, moving (interpreting) the words and verses to fit his life. So, where did this leave me? Still looking for a system with which to make sense of things, a system outside of myself, when I now see, I have all that I need within myself. I see now that I am man and woman, I am right brain and left brain, I am literate and imaginative. I am alive and whole and words, are only well, words, and so only I can navigate my life into the future, and make sense of my past in the way that best prepares me for my future.
I have been reading a book that is illuminating much of this for me, The Alphabet Versus the Goddess, by Leonard Shlain. Shlain’s proposal is that it was the alphabet, and the written word’s emphasis on left brain thinking, that dethroned the Goddess for humans. As he notes, in the Ten Commandments, we are told that only a male god, and alone at that created all of creation, firmly taking away the concept, and the truth, that creating is an act of both male and female, and that human creation fully needs both males and females. This book carefully shows how power was taken from women throughout history. And now I see, how for me, power was a male construct, and for much of my life, in my own quest for power, I had only framed power in the male construct of power, not seeing, my own, inherent female power and way of knowing. So, by reading the words of a male author, and authority figure, (Shlain was trained as a surgeon), I am regaining my female power, acknowledging that which I never lost, but was not able to see, that words are indeed powerful but I too, just in my being, without words, am powerful also.
This it seems, is part of the belief system for some, to systematically decide and then deride those who are labeled unbelievers, in some, more compassionate folks, derision is replaced with the act of praying for them. Lewis also had an ally in his faith building, non other than J.R.R. Tolkien, also a Christian, a Roman Catholic Christian. The two shared not only faith, but imagination and gifts for language. Mastery of the written language. Because they added a dimension of story, of metaphor to this faith, they were hugely popular. They were able to add a human dimension to a faith story that denied the power of the image. They subtly included image to a stark set of word/rules.
My journey it seems is the backward journey of Lewis. Whereas Lewis found the Christian system comforting, and a way to make sense of the chaos inherent in life, I have found the Christian system in which I was brought up and indoctrinated in, stifling and confusing. I am moving in the direction of no faith, or no faith in constructed systems that hope to order or control what might to some be fearful chaos. I instead, am moving to chaos, moving to the protection of the randomness of the universe, am finding solace in the solid dirt, the black sky, the limitless number of stars and moving away as I find answers in the written word, from the written word, from worshipping the God/Word back to the Goddess.
Intriguing that as I read, I understand more how limited this way of knowing is. For years, at least fifteen, I read through the Bible every day. I read through different versions every year, memorizing, at times using these verses as a filter, as Lewis did, to understand, interpret, and at times defend my life. These words gave meaning and through them I made meaning of my life. But pretty soon, I ran out of words, I ran out of metaphors from the Bible, from, God’s word. Instead of giving me freedom, these words, these stories, were taking away my freedom. And the more I read Lewis’ writings, the more I found him to be just like me, mortal, moving (interpreting) the words and verses to fit his life. So, where did this leave me? Still looking for a system with which to make sense of things, a system outside of myself, when I now see, I have all that I need within myself. I see now that I am man and woman, I am right brain and left brain, I am literate and imaginative. I am alive and whole and words, are only well, words, and so only I can navigate my life into the future, and make sense of my past in the way that best prepares me for my future.
I have been reading a book that is illuminating much of this for me, The Alphabet Versus the Goddess, by Leonard Shlain. Shlain’s proposal is that it was the alphabet, and the written word’s emphasis on left brain thinking, that dethroned the Goddess for humans. As he notes, in the Ten Commandments, we are told that only a male god, and alone at that created all of creation, firmly taking away the concept, and the truth, that creating is an act of both male and female, and that human creation fully needs both males and females. This book carefully shows how power was taken from women throughout history. And now I see, how for me, power was a male construct, and for much of my life, in my own quest for power, I had only framed power in the male construct of power, not seeing, my own, inherent female power and way of knowing. So, by reading the words of a male author, and authority figure, (Shlain was trained as a surgeon), I am regaining my female power, acknowledging that which I never lost, but was not able to see, that words are indeed powerful but I too, just in my being, without words, am powerful also.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Exactly Right
I am reading history
poetry
short stories
taking place in 2053
letting dirty laundry
dishes
bills
pile up
I am spending time
with my
adult
daughters
who have turned out
just fine
more than just fine
more beautiful
smart
loving
brilliant actually
than a mother’s imagination
could hold
I am lucky
lucky
lucky
after so
many hard
days and so many
hard nights
and so many tears
and fears
of every little
thing
that could go wrong
when in fact
it was all going
exactly right
poetry
short stories
taking place in 2053
letting dirty laundry
dishes
bills
pile up
I am spending time
with my
adult
daughters
who have turned out
just fine
more than just fine
more beautiful
smart
loving
brilliant actually
than a mother’s imagination
could hold
I am lucky
lucky
lucky
after so
many hard
days and so many
hard nights
and so many tears
and fears
of every little
thing
that could go wrong
when in fact
it was all going
exactly right
Thursday, March 15, 2012
abundance
For some of you who know me; you might think all I do is find ways to make reality constructions fit into the left brain/right brain schema. Well, you are sort of right, but that’s not all I do. I have been pondering a situation where someone is trying to feed a lot of people for not much money (this being a nonprofit you know). One of the things that makes me crazy is trying to do things for cheap, (except for buying shoes). I thought back to when I did catering for my former husband, backstage catering, where you could not really get away with cheap, since these people had riders, and you had to buy pretty much, precisely what was on the rider, or you better be ready to explain why not. But, in entertainment, there is abundance, in non-profit, scarcity.
And I got to thinking, why is it that most men I know live in abundance, or at least abundance thinking, and most women I know live trying to be cheap? Now I know that as a whole, women do not make the same amount of money as men, and do not have the same access to resources, but I’m starting to wonder if that’s because we accept it? We think it’s our only choice, be cheap or go hungry. I’m also the first to hate it when people try to make people feel like there’s something wrong with the way they think, when they are simply victims of the economy, so I don’t want to do that, but I still don’t want to move away from having gender equality, either.
And if gender equality is pushed along by more women having abundance thinking, well, then, so be it. And is it just my imagination, or do most non-profits seem like ‘make-do’ female type organizations, while for-profits have that abundance, shiny tile floor, zippy elevator kind of masculine feel? What, I wonder, would happen, if non-profits really believed there was lots and lots of money out there? What, I wonder, would happen, if for-profits starting being a little bit more thoughtful about how they spend money?
So what is this abundance/scarcity about? Is it the right brain, the holistic brain that thinks there is always enough, and the left brain, the sequential brain, that tries to count, to see if we have enough? Or is this simply another way that men have more power, by believing that there is enough and women are just scared into thinking they will starve, or be barefoot? Maybe this is me over-thinking, and not wanting to be any part of cheap, because making do is not what I like to do. Making do implies that my time is worth less, that I can’t really afford what I want, and that I’m hoping people won’t notice. That I don’t really want to feed them well, I just don’t want them to starve. This goes against my belief system, the one that includes the tenant that life is a banquet.
And I got to thinking, why is it that most men I know live in abundance, or at least abundance thinking, and most women I know live trying to be cheap? Now I know that as a whole, women do not make the same amount of money as men, and do not have the same access to resources, but I’m starting to wonder if that’s because we accept it? We think it’s our only choice, be cheap or go hungry. I’m also the first to hate it when people try to make people feel like there’s something wrong with the way they think, when they are simply victims of the economy, so I don’t want to do that, but I still don’t want to move away from having gender equality, either.
And if gender equality is pushed along by more women having abundance thinking, well, then, so be it. And is it just my imagination, or do most non-profits seem like ‘make-do’ female type organizations, while for-profits have that abundance, shiny tile floor, zippy elevator kind of masculine feel? What, I wonder, would happen, if non-profits really believed there was lots and lots of money out there? What, I wonder, would happen, if for-profits starting being a little bit more thoughtful about how they spend money?
So what is this abundance/scarcity about? Is it the right brain, the holistic brain that thinks there is always enough, and the left brain, the sequential brain, that tries to count, to see if we have enough? Or is this simply another way that men have more power, by believing that there is enough and women are just scared into thinking they will starve, or be barefoot? Maybe this is me over-thinking, and not wanting to be any part of cheap, because making do is not what I like to do. Making do implies that my time is worth less, that I can’t really afford what I want, and that I’m hoping people won’t notice. That I don’t really want to feed them well, I just don’t want them to starve. This goes against my belief system, the one that includes the tenant that life is a banquet.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Food For Free
May you remember to be held in the cradle of the universe.
The last lines of my guided body scan meditation by Bob Stahl, Ph.D.
How can I remember this? Did this ever happen so that I can remember it? I hope so, I hope that I was at one time held this way, affirmed of my place, to be sure. I read an article yesterday of people creating a free farm, a place where food is grown and people are encouraged to go, take, and eat. For free, well more or less, of course, someone would pipe up with “Well someone’s got to pay for it.” Well, of course, now they do, now that we have money, and all sorts of rules and regulations around it.
But imagine, at one time, food did just grow, for free, and people ate and shared the bounty of the earth. But this, city garden stuff, this is the sort of news I need to hear more often. (Found on Utne Reader online yesterday.) I need to believe that we are not going to hell in a handbasket, I need to believe that more people love each other than maim each other, and that well, when the temp is going to be 60 degrees today, that spring is just around the corner. Signing off from the cradle of the universe.
The last lines of my guided body scan meditation by Bob Stahl, Ph.D.
How can I remember this? Did this ever happen so that I can remember it? I hope so, I hope that I was at one time held this way, affirmed of my place, to be sure. I read an article yesterday of people creating a free farm, a place where food is grown and people are encouraged to go, take, and eat. For free, well more or less, of course, someone would pipe up with “Well someone’s got to pay for it.” Well, of course, now they do, now that we have money, and all sorts of rules and regulations around it.
But imagine, at one time, food did just grow, for free, and people ate and shared the bounty of the earth. But this, city garden stuff, this is the sort of news I need to hear more often. (Found on Utne Reader online yesterday.) I need to believe that we are not going to hell in a handbasket, I need to believe that more people love each other than maim each other, and that well, when the temp is going to be 60 degrees today, that spring is just around the corner. Signing off from the cradle of the universe.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
four square on a corner
When we talk of love stories we don’t talk about houses, but that is my love story- I loved my house in Owatonna. I knew when we looked at houses that this would be the house where I'd raise my girls, even though there were only two of them at the time. Steve was in Italy when I closed on the house, by myself, since the realtor friend of his that he'd asked to be there with me didn't show up. I moved in again, by myself, with help from my family, Steve was still on tour.
corner lot
lots of trees
front porch
kitchen with windows (plural)
space
did I say?
space
lots of it
in the house
in the attic
in the basement
on the main floor
on the second floor
in the yard
go outside I could say
and outside was
big enough and
small enough
and close enough
windows
for sun
for wind
for breezes
for hearing the outside
sounds
when the inside sounds
were too quiet
walls that held
pictures
photos
mirrors
color
memories
babies
toddlers
school age
teen-agers
more babies
it held us all
a solid container
for combustible
life
corner lot
lots of trees
front porch
kitchen with windows (plural)
space
did I say?
space
lots of it
in the house
in the attic
in the basement
on the main floor
on the second floor
in the yard
go outside I could say
and outside was
big enough and
small enough
and close enough
windows
for sun
for wind
for breezes
for hearing the outside
sounds
when the inside sounds
were too quiet
walls that held
pictures
photos
mirrors
color
memories
babies
toddlers
school age
teen-agers
more babies
it held us all
a solid container
for combustible
life
Friday, March 2, 2012
blue like snow
it is early march
the early morning sky is blue
like snow
heavy
with moisture
from here
at 6:57
you can see the moisture
in the sky
ready to fall
not heavy
but gentle
little snowflakes
falling
but not yet
they are still contained
I have read
I have written
I have made coffee
and checked email
and nodded back off again
trying to meditate
to breathe
and still
there is no peace
my life feels
all a ajumble
and I can’t make sense
most of the time I can make sense
put things away
see straight ahead
carry on
lately
I can’t
it might be grief
that I don’t want to grieve
or just confusion
I don’t want to sit with
or maybe just being sad
that there are so many things
that don’t go right
not necessarily wrong
but that just keep going on
when I am ready for them to be
done
this
this
is what
I have to
sit with
and embrace
feeling the solid ground
ready to accept
the snow
and everything in between
the early morning sky is blue
like snow
heavy
with moisture
from here
at 6:57
you can see the moisture
in the sky
ready to fall
not heavy
but gentle
little snowflakes
falling
but not yet
they are still contained
I have read
I have written
I have made coffee
and checked email
and nodded back off again
trying to meditate
to breathe
and still
there is no peace
my life feels
all a ajumble
and I can’t make sense
most of the time I can make sense
put things away
see straight ahead
carry on
lately
I can’t
it might be grief
that I don’t want to grieve
or just confusion
I don’t want to sit with
or maybe just being sad
that there are so many things
that don’t go right
not necessarily wrong
but that just keep going on
when I am ready for them to be
done
this
this
is what
I have to
sit with
and embrace
feeling the solid ground
ready to accept
the snow
and everything in between
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