Should I Stay or Should I Go?

We all have our ways of making decisions, of knowing what is right for us, even, I might say, when it’s wrong for us. Because it’s often about perceptions, which if you think about it, are as real as reality. We all get where we got to somehow. I know you have to throw in fate, whatever you want to call it. We are born in certain places, times, to parents who may or may not have money, or education, or parenting skills. But, really if you stop to think about it there are a myriad of ways in which we go about navigating life. Being smart about money, being dumb about love. Being wise about exercise, but not understanding how credit cards work. Being comfortable in a room full of strangers, but not being able to be punctual. How do all these little things merge together to create a person, who creates their life?

I wanna know, because I need to know, should I stay or should I go? I’ve been packed up and cleared up for weeks now and I’ve had no offers on my condo. I’ve tossed almost all of the vestiges of the life I had before, to the point of giving my girls their baby pictures back, “What, mom, don’t you want these anymore?” A trade off for mother guilt. I’m driving around with a car trunk full of boxes of things I’m ‘undecided’ about. I’m reminded every time my rear scrapes a driveway. And now, now I’m wondering, maybe I should stay?

Maybe I should try to find a part time job, on top of my full time job, on top of trying to start a private practice to make enough money to keep my condo. How does one make life work? I think of the proposition of this, being overly busy. Of wondering when I’ll see my family then, and of what messages, what values am I living out in this decision? Work hard enough and you won’t lose your home? Trust in the future and maybe things will turn around? God will provide? I don’t know anymore. The economy has tanked, the bad guys it seems have been winning in our country, because our money is going somewhere, trust me on this one, a whole country does not just ‘misplace’ all their money. It gets allocated differently, that’s all.

I’m also wondering about regret. I’ve finally lived long enough to have some, regret that is. Not tons, thankfully, but enough to not want to taste that bitter taste, and because I can’t predict the future, how to stave off regret? What exactly is regret? Can we paint all the signs that lead to regret hot orange, warn people away from this street? I’m sitting in the middle of I don’t know, and it’s not a comfortable place for me. I want to know, have a plan. Even when I don’t. How do I let go of wanting to know? Accept knowing that we don’t know, we can’t know. To really believe that it’s not about knowing, it’s about having a hand to hold in the dark of unknowing, and in the sadness of regret.

So, I’m still not sure, if I should stay or if I should go, and I’m thinking that my realtor, just wants to know.