Crane

For nearly 20 years, I had a daily devotional time. Almost every day, with my coffee in the morning I would read the Bible and a devotional book. In the beginning, I started out with the book Each New Day, which had a short scripture verse and lesson for each day by holocaust survivor and writer, Corrie ten Boom. This little book focused on God’s love and forgiveness. After a few years of reading this devotional, I added other Christian devotionals to my morning practice. I would read the Bible, my assorted devotionals and contemplate and pray. When I only had a few minutes, I’d spend only a few minutes, if I had the time and devoted an hour, it was time well spent. It centered me.

But after a while, I found the readings bringing me only to a place of frustration. I started reading a different Bible that had explanations of the scriptures. The explanations were given by two men, and soon their interpretations of the scriptures would make me feel angry and alienated. Soon this was how I felt more often than not about Christianity. I started giving up on my morning practice. I don’t exactly know the day it ended, but I know now that it’s been years since I’ve had a morning practice. Years since I started the day contemplating and praying. I haven’t exactly felt ‘un-centered’ but I know there are some things I miss from this contemplative practice. It gave me hope and a sense of being guided, that I haven’t felt for awhile.

Just this week, my good Christian friend said to me, “Maybe you need to get back to being a Christian.” And then a couple of days later, my oldest daughter said, “Mom, when you were a Christian, you were better at being comforting." So, I’ve become a bit uncentered? Worried and not as carefree? I will own it. Just not sure what to do about it. Where to go to get the carefree, comforting pieces of myself back. Don’t think really, that I can do the Christian thing again, don’t think I can go back. I haven’t ‘lost’ God or anything like that. I see the need for people to think in terms that put fences around wild ideas like eternity, or goodness or even evil, because well, wide open wildness can scare the bejesus out of some people. But not me. These are words, ideas, concepts. I’m not scared by thoughts, but I am scared of going without, of being hungry and of being left out. Scared of being judged and found wanting. Scared of being alone.

So, then, where is God? For me, as when I read my devotionals, often I find God in words. Maybe I need to find words that comfort, that I can steep in. That I can then pour, like soothing oil, over the heads of those I love. Tonight, looking for some comfort, looking for some guidance, I turned to a different kind of devotional called Everyday Tao. I used to read this in place of my Christian books when I was transitioning out of my morning practice. I’d read it every morning, for a while, but fell out of this habit, too. In this book, every day focuses on one word. This is what I read tonight, when I randomly opened the book; the page was on the word Crane: The crane is so strongly identified with the idea of stillness that the modern form of the word means “contemplation.” The crane masterfully combines vigilance and movement....Vigilance is not a matter of mere waiting. It is a matter of correct timing. It takes an exquisite sense of proportion to know that we are not just standing still~we are moving no faster and no slower than required by the situation.

I took my condo off the market yesterday. I am scared. I am trying to master vigilance and movement. I am trying for carefree over bitter. Comforting over second guessing and judging. Tonight I found hope in words. I will let myself be comforted by this. Perhaps the fear will fall away as I find a new practice of contemplation.

Everyday Tao by Deng Ming-Dao