The forced intimacy of sharing my womb
when I was used to having some alone time
for nine whole months we shared my body
my blood
my food and water
and we grew
I did not know what sort of chemical bath
my brain was bathed in
the endorphins that surged through
my body when we were together
when my breasts became your sustenance
your breath became my joy
And so the usual path that I’d taken in the past
to be avoidant to be alone to make my friendships
in literature not life took a turn
perhaps even a fork
and the path became peopled
with emotions I’d dared not greet
Your existence became a constant adventure
a challenge a seeking
a flashlight on my shadow self
your emotions raw and rash
and bold and daring
more colorful and bright than I could have imagined
I had bits of memory come floating back
of hiding in the bathroom
of crying on the stairwell
of feeling so alone I thought my being
would shatter
of being the child you had become
And books again became my path
only this time not to be alone
but to find the answers
on how to be together
how to turn avoidant anxious
to secure not for me but for you
You had become all I cared about
learning to create the alchemy of love
that had been missing
the space for emotion
that I did not know existed
the language of acceptance that I’d never heard
The time was running out
the years flew by
you grew up
so quickly
I was Sisyphus
pushing the rock uphill for the sin of deceit
I lived long enough
to understand
to let you go
to learn to love
on your own
never forgetting the lessons you brought
There is enough
the gravest deceit is against ourselves
against those we love
against the very nature
of who we are more than flesh and blood
the rock dissolved against the mountain
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