Loving Your Little Weirdo Self

When was the last time you acknowledged to yourself that you still are carrying around the feelings of that little weirdo self you once were? Living with kids helps you remember and connect, if you’re self aware enough, and lucky enough to be able to talk about this weird stuff with someone, but all serious, scientific talk aside, you know, those articles about being vulnerable, this is what it boils down to. At one point, we were all vulnerable, totally dependent on our caregivers to nurture us enough to keep us alive, and we are all, to one extent or another, living the messages that we received and internalized about how to keep the love comin. 

Once we got this down, and made it to the real world, like maybe first grade, (whew, remember kindergarten graduation?) we were less vulnerable enough to wander the world alone. And for me, and for all three of my daughters, and I’m guessing for you too, these worlds of lawless hallways were filled with kids who asked questions like, “Where did you get those shoes (fill in with glasses, hair, etc.)?” The questions that made you feel like something was maybe wrong with you, but you weren’t sure what. What, what, you’d wonder were wrong with your green tennis shoes? 

And so, without ever really knowing what was wrong, or even what could make this right, we meander our way through life. And eventually we might even accomplish enough things to make us feel like most of the things about us are alright, maybe even ‘normal.’ But there can still linger than weird feeling, that makes us feel unsure, unsteady, that slight worry, that maybe we are a weirdo. I’ve met up with my little weirdo self this morning. The tiny little girl with crazy blond curls that everyone thought was still 3 or 4 when she was actually 5 or 6. Try trying to convince an adult that you only really just look like a toddler, geez. That older kid who had a dad who drank too much, who had a mother who chased her siblings in the yard with a wooden spoon, and who yearned for a quiet life of books and music. Guess what I told her, “Hey, you know, I love you, and so do a lot of other people, and you’re turning out just fine, sure, a little weird sometimes, but we all are, and that’s really ok.” It is ok.