No Longer Pursuing Happiness

On a long, hot, walk today, I decided I was no longer pursuing happiness. I have been (still) calling back my pieces, calling out my maiden name, “Theresa Maher”, all the pieces that need to come back to me. All the little girl pieces, all the times I wanted to laugh and would get in trouble if I did, all the times, I learned not to cry, because if I did, I would be given something to cry about. All the times adults were ludicrous, and I knew it, but I had to keep my tongue. The pieces I left, being forced to kneel in the coatroom in Catholic school for some unforeseeable offense. So the pieces come back as I walk, and it is hard, and overwhelming, but necessary. Necessary to clear all the energy that blocks my ability to feel what I feel in the moment, necessary to not carry all the hurt any further into the future. Necessary to be able to explain to my clients, not just how it’s done, but that it’s possible and necessary, and that others (myself included) have gone before them, healing and becoming whole. 

Just seeing my maiden name above hurts, and I guess I need to write about it. It is the name of my child self, the child self who was mostly invisible, and when visible, in trouble it seemed, or horribly confused. The youngest daughter, soon, as my two younger brothers caught up to me in size, the smallest person in the house. Sometimes, I still feel like that small child, but now, I can be there for myself. I can tell myself that life really is safe, and that when adults are ludicrous, now, I can laugh. Sometimes with them, the ones that are self-aware. So, as I call in my pieces, as I gather myself up, time and time again, I realize that happiness need not be part of my plan. 

Much was written in the past couple of years about women and happiness, and it sort of fell on deaf ears for me. How could I have possibly even thought about pursuing happiness, when I was busy pursuing food and shelter for my children and myself? And to be honest, I was always more into finding self-realization than happiness, thank you Ram Dass. So, if I’m not pursuing happiness, and I have a modicum of self-realization, what is there? 


Equanimity, safety and joy, that’s what. Equanimity is a good one for me, it’s the opposite of anxiety, which I still struggle with. Safety has not been a given for me, I realize this with sadness. Although my life has not been horribly unsafe, it’s more that I don’t feel safe. I think this comes from the chaotic household I grew up in; and then after being married for 15 years and believing I had some safety there, it simply evaporated somehow. I’m holding out safety for myself, and the belief that I can find it also in the shelter of someone else, someday. And so then there’s joy; what’s not to want about joy. Joy is what carries me through each day, it is the closest at hand for me, and I can’t live without it. And really, I don’t have to pursue joy, it is there, in the energy of love, in the morning sky, in the ripples on the lake, in the smiles of people passing by, in the eyes of connecting with someone, defenses down. 

Adornment Ode to Frida

embroidery and lace 

hung in your closet

pictures preserved 

in a book

embroidery and lace

embraced your

being

caressed your life

colorful beads

around your neck

adorn your ears

color on canvas

all your youth

in one tragic

moment suspended

and transformed

and living itself

became the art

informed the art

transformed the life

you decorated 

the walls

the canvas

the world 

you decorated yourself 

you adorn my life

your energy moves

still

head against the sky

your little butt pressed up against my ribs
I thought they would break with the tension
I would push it away, push it down and get some relief
until there was barely room left for the two of us

then you were born and your little head
pressed against my chest soft with hunger and I fed you
until you grew stronger and you
pressed your head against my chest in resistance to be held

you learned to hold your own head up
your feet and legs grew strong enough to hold you upright
your mouth formed words to tell me no
you grew strong enough to press your head against the sky

I thought there was barely room left for the two of us
when the sky opened up, and your head was no longer
pressing against my chest but next to mine
head to head, heart to heart, words forming connections

birthing you I birthed myself in joy in meaning in motherhood

Power & Presence

I finally finished reading The Alphabet Versus the Goddess, and now much of history and misogyny and power makes more sense to me than it ever did. I am tired from reading it, yet somehow wanting to research more and not only make more sense of it, but try to convert this sense into sensibility, into a way that women (and men too) can understand power and how it can be distorted, so that we can change this and learn to move into gender and power balance. Just saying. . .

This is what I’m thinking, that when it was realized that in each human we have two hemispheres, that somehow, (and according to Shlain) it was the male that adopted the left hemisphere, (the hunter) and it was the female that adopted the right brain, (the gatherer, and so became the relationship nurturer). The problem with this though, is that both genders need both halves of our hemispheres for balance. We do carry within us, at least in our brains, both genders, so to speak. 

So, we have this going on, plus we have the fact that women are not socialized to take risks in the same way as men (research confirms this); and women therefore, do not reap as many benefits. Think about it, if a boy is socialized to take 5 risks a day, and only 2 reap benefits, that is 2 benefits a day. If a girl is socialized to only take 1 risk a day, and it doesn’t work out as she hoped, she is demoralized and has no benefit to offset the disappointment. Multiply this day in and day out, and year in and year out and we have a culture of men who have much more going for them, and who continue to be much more willing to take risks. 

And the truth is, the most risky thing to do in life is to not take risks. I don’t just know this intellectually, I know this in my bones, it’s been at the heart of my life for as long as I can remember. Ever since I was in 2nd grade and I wanted to be more like my brothers, and less like my sisters. Ever since I wanted power and freedom and autonomy and not be told to clear the table and wash the dishes while my brothers took off on their bikes, with their cigarettes and their lighters, allowed to just hang out with friends. Encouraged to take risks and be adventuresome. 

All this stuff, all these thoughts are swirling through my head, and at the same time I have three new books I am reading all at once, The Master and his Emissary, another book on the left brain/right brain split, Imagine, a book that posits imagination resides in the ability to integrate our hemispheres (the corpus callosum anyone?), and thirdly, a book called The Presence Process: A Healing Journey Into Present Moment Awareness. I am getting the feeling however, that I may need to put aside The Master and his Emissary, and return Imagine to the library, and enter into this healing journey of presence. 

The challenge with this, is how do I move the pieces of my life around in such a way that I can keep some sort of security and equilibrium, enough so to be grounded, and yet open up enough time for the research and writing that an undertaking such as this might entail? How do I research and create understanding around areas of power and presence? 

I feel like I’m preparing for a journey, and as usual, it’s best to travel light. All this information, and all these ideas in my head need some time to gestate. My youngest daughter is making fun of me for reading the Presence book, she tells me, “Mom, why do you keep reading all these self-help books when really you are fine?” I thanked her for this odd compliment, noted that perhaps I am fine, but I do want to make more money, to which she noted, “You are doing that already too.” And it’s not just about the money, it’s about creating something that sustains me, creatively and financially, while allowing me more time to be present.  

So if I am now fine, then where will this quest lead me? Seriously, I am now working too many hours for too little money. I still don’t have enough money to take my daughters on a Sex In the City shopping trip; where all four of us are walking down the Nicollet Mall, looking fabulous, like Carrie and friends, carrying an obscene amount of shopping bags, and we are headed somewhere chic for a fabulous lunch. This is one of my bucket list goals. So, in my mind, I’m not there yet. 

Which leads me to part of the message in The Presence Process, the fact that in the present, we are often projecting into the future, yet we are here. Which makes me wonder, what is it in my socialization that makes me so future centered? In a balanced life, we enjoy our past, our memories, learn from them, be planful about the future, and also, also, be present in well, the present. I am hopeful to take a walk today, where I am able to let all this stuff, all these thoughts, plans and dreams and desires, somehow balance out throughout my mind & body, as to give me the strength to continue to take the risks I need to take, to reap the benefits of a life well lived. And maybe write a seminal book on power, and gender, and on ways we can all move forward, while staying grounded in the present.