The True Meaning of Christmas

I had an interesting phone conversation with my ex yesterday. We’ve somehow started the tradition in the past few years of coming together for Christmas, and actually even talking before Christmas to plan for our family celebration, which usually includes my ex, his mother, our children and grandchildren, and at times extended family and/or friends. This is sort of a miracle in itself, in that my ex and I are not exactly best friends or anything, but we’re learning to communicate better around the topic of our children and grandchildren. Which brings me to the interesting point, for me at least, when my ex said, “We need to get back to the true meaning of Christmas.” For it was at this point, that I realized that there is no one set “true meaning of Christmas.” My ex continued by suggesting that next year we should not exchange gifts at all, but help others, as in donate to a secret santa organization, as it was time we “gave to others who were needy" reclaiming, in his schema, the true meaning of Christmas.

At this point, I was a bit flabbergasted on a couple of points, 1) my ex had no clue that as a family, in the past, without him, while still 'needy' ourselves, we had donated to these organizations at Christmas (and other times, too) and 2) the idea that you had to deny from yourself or your family in order to donate. So, as we talked, I shared with him, that our ‘family’ had no consensus on the ‘true meaning of Christmas’ and also that ‘our’ family had already integrated giving to others into our lives. I knew when we divorced that we seemed to be on polar opposite sides on many issues, and this conversation highlighted this chasm, once again. We never had very well aligned, or defined, family values, and our families of origin seemed to have very different values when it came to understanding how people, or families thrive. We never really even talked about it. Maybe this would be a start to my ex understanding who his family had been, and now was, since I raised our daughters, without him.

This conversation made me take stock and reminded me of what I believe and value. That we can give to ourselves and others. That if we give to others “til it hurts” it helps no one. If we give out of abundance and joy, it doesn’t feel like giving, it feels like sharing. I raised my daughters to value people and to value sharing, we don’t always embrace abundance in ways we could, I unfortunately passed down my own family legacy of fear of not having enough, which I believe my parents internalized through the first great depression. It also made me wonder if sharing isn’t a socialized gender value. I know many women who share time, cookies, child-care, who volunteer, who offer to do the meal planning and making at the holidays for all the gendered people in their families, and I’m not quite as sure as to how men share their time and talents? We do still live in an economy that doesn’t value caring, do you know how much money people who care for our children and our elderly earn? In comparison to people who care for our money? Caring is not something that should be the meaning of Christmas, caring should be the meaning of life.

What do you care about? What do you value, what is your “true meaning” of Christmas? My daughters, I think would resoundingly answer, “cookies.” For me, I am so grateful for the times I was able to buy for my family and to give to others too. I can't imagine not wanting to give my own girls presents at Christmas, not out of thinking that things buy happiness, but out of the joy of giving and sharing with those I love. During the rest of the year, I continue to envision and work toward a caring economy, where each person has value, and the things they need, and we as a society work together not for individual wealth, but for a culture that believes we are all entitled to the good things in life.