3 Days Away

Christmas is 3 days away. My condo is now officially messier than it’s ever been, I think I can absolutely verify this by the cobwebs on my light fixtures, the dust bunny colonies moving in on me, encroaching you might say. The dirty clothes overflowing and the sink and counters stacked with dirty dishes. Half wrapped gifts and unopened boxes from Amazon sit on my dining room table. The only Christmas decor in my condo is a poinsettia I won at a holiday luncheon.

Err, why did it have to come so fast this year? How did I get so busy? I was the one who dragged her feet to grade school every year, dawdled to look at the snow flakes as they fell on her jacket, and would skip gym class to just sit in the locker room and eat sunflower seeds. Now I am running and never fast enough. So, what does this total blur of the season tell me? How is my life informing me?

There is always one more present that someone wants at the last minute, but guess what, I’m taking off the hat that says “Person who makes everyone’s dreams come true.” This said, I do feel bad that I never put up a tree, and mostly becomes it means a lot to my daughter who lives with me, but I also feel okay in knowing, that she will be disappointed and still be okay. There was a time in my life that I didn’t know that people could actually survive negative emotions. Seriously, so hell bent on pleasing people, I took it personally whenever someone wasn’t.

I do want to get back to having time for and liking the holiday season. I am becoming overwhelmed (in a good way) by the cards, gifts, and all the caring that people have for me. I’m letting it in, letting it soothe all the bitterness of all the years of being the single parent at Christmas. Of being Santa on a budget, of managing the hopes and dreams and disappointments that don’t just come this time of year, but all year long. There are heightened emotions this time of year as we time travel, remember back, and take stock of what’s in store for next year.

Next year, yes, that’s when we’ll have a clean home, a lovely tree, the bills will be paid off, and everyone’s Christmas dreams will come true. “Wake up.” Wake up in your life, love the dust, love the mess, accept the holiday river flowing through your life. No tree, but I am grateful, grateful and if not surrounded by lights and greenery, surrounded by the sparkle of love, of life, of friends. Merry, merry, merry life to you.