Grateful for Tears

December 2nd, 2010

This morning I am grateful for the fact that the bathtub water is running out hot. Some days it is just warm. I don’t know what’s up with that, and living in this huge four-plex does not make me want to try to find out. In a house, you know, it’s all yours, and you can see where one thing leads to another. Not so much here.

This morning I am happy for left over half and half for my coffee, not just milk. This morning I am mourning, my brother Steve died yesterday afternoon. I was driving after work to pick Megan up from Erin and Andy’s, where once a week she’s a ‘mother’s helper.’ My cell phone rang while I was in traffic.

When my sister asked if I was at home yet, I knew. I told her, “No, I’m driving.” And we both knew. It was the call I’d known would come. The call I’d been waiting for, dreading, yet anxious for, ready for the wait to be over, for all of us. And now that it is, I am so sad, and so tired. My body is crying tears I didn’t know I’d been saving up.

I’m trying to be kind to myself as I try to go about my day. I’ll go to work, at least, and get through my day, and wait to hear about the funeral arrangements.

Last night, I was grateful to get to Erin’s to get a hug, to hold Audrey, to smile at her through my tears. I called my mom while I was there, and fortunately, my younger brother, who lives in Waconia, was already there with her. My sister and I shared making phone calls to other family.

On my drive home, I told Megan, “It was so much easier when I believed we all just went to heaven. But really, we just don’t know what happens to us after we die.” Megan philosophically replied, “But we know we go back into the earth.” And she’s right, we go into the earth, somehow, someway we contribute to however this earth keeps re-birthing. I took small comfort in that. Maybe my brother is in heaven with my dad.

Once home, I warmed up left over chili, wrapped my hand around a glass of wine, wrapped a blanket around my body and watched 3 episodes of The Office in a row, then went to bed.

This morning, I am mourning. Writing, drinking coffee, warm tears on my face.