Some thoughts on gender by a mighty Fine mind

I dreamt last night that I was in a hoarder’s house and I could barely walk through it. Hoarding has been on my mind. Thinking about my mother’s hoarding, and how it is a temptation for me. In my dream I felt trapped, confused, embarrassed and angry. I woke up not quite ready to delve into more introspection on the topic. I’m gonna let it sit some more, I’m going to be kind with myself.

I decided time to sort through library books that need to go back; and I gently picked up Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society, and Neurosexism Create Difference, a witty and amazing read. A book that I wish everyone would read. In this book Cordelia Fine, Ph. D., deconstructs our gender myths. She says we look for answers outside ourselves for the incorrectly constructed schemas that we hold within ourselves. (I say amen.)

Take a look around. The gender inequality that you see is in your mind. So are the cultural beliefs about gender that are so familiar to us all. They are in the messy tangle of mental associations that interact with the social context. Out of this interaction emerges your self perception, your interests, your values, your behavior, even your abilities. Gender can become salient in the environment in so many ways: an imbalance of the sexes in a group, a commercial, a comment by a colleague, a query about sex on a form, perhaps also a pronoun, the sign on a restroom door, the feel of a skirt, the awareness of one’s own body. When the context activates gender associations, that tangle serves as a barrier to non-stereotypical self perception, concerns, emotions, sense of belonging, and behavior- and more readily allows what is traditionally expected of the sexes (p. 235).

What I didn’t dream, in my life as a single mom, was having to do everything, well, nearly everything by myself, as a woman. Many times, I made myself think of my dad supporting 8 children and a wife, and I told myself I could support 4 children (my 3 daughters and 1 grandson), and myself. I purposely made myself think ‘like a man'. For the most part it worked. I could pay the bills, fix the broken household fixtures, I could shovel the walk in the dark of night and get up every morning and go to work, and come home every night and feed my family. What I never counted on was that people would never see me as someone who needed the income to support my family. That the amount of money that women make dollar for dollar was skewed against me. That actually working moms make less money than working women without children. Still.