Love For Sale

I was a bit silly and I decided ‘just for fun’ to create an account on eHarmony; a friend at work mentioned how many great dates his roommate got from this dating site. Last time I was on a dating service, a few years ago, it was one disastrous first date after another, but I decided I would look into it again, on this ‘other’ site. I hired a matchmaker last spring; she had a May special advertised of two matches for twenty dollars, and I thought, hey I can afford that. So far, no matches and I feel a bit duped, let down.

Well, it seems that there are quite a number of eligible men on eHarmony, trouble is, to join it would cost me a cool couple of hundred bucks for a minimal amount of time. The last site I was on was a small monthly cost, payable each month. This site wants the money, up front. So, it seems that I can’t afford to find a match. Wow, love is for sale, but only if you can afford it. I guess not exactly love, but perhaps the chance, the hope for love. They allow you to sign up, create a profile, and see matches, but no communication ‘til you pay. I guess that’s fair.

So, why did I think of this as silly? Somehow, I am embarrassed at times that I’m single. It’s true. I suppose if I deconstructed all the messages we get about being alone or being in relationship, I’d find plenty of things I’ve internalized about these states. I’m getting tired of trying to find out what I’m thinking, that’s why I want to date--to lose myself in a relationship. I didn’t really say that, OK I did. Honestly, though, sometimes there is something to be said for just living.

I wish I could just have a chalkboard in my brain that would list all the dumb things I’ve internalized that aren’t true about life or myself or people in general and I could just wipe the board clean and start over. How’s that for meaning making? I’m realizing that I’m probably too hard on myself and others, more often than I’d like. Still trying to open my heart chakra.

So, my profile is still up. All the great guys who’ve paid their price can see my profile, and I can see theirs, and I can’t afford to join, so we can’t meet. I’ll take down my profile soon, as it seems sad and strange to leave it up if I’m not joining. Maybe one of these days I’ll meet someone the old-fashioned way, or save up the hundreds it will take me to shop for love. In the meantime, I guess I could learn to be more content, and feel less silly for wanting what I want. Right now, I just can’t justify spending more money on taking a chance on love, and most of my free time is needed for homework. Great.