More Blue

A Disclaimer of Sorts

I'm still trying to untangle and understand church. Part of this for me is understanding what church means, and still holding that meanings are fluid and undetermined and yet people hold solid and determined ideas about meanings in their head. Are you still with me? So, when I write about my experiences in the church or churches that I’ve been a part of, it's about my journey and not about judging churches or beliefs. I’m trying to examine how the beliefs that I held and the emotions that accompanied them either moved me forward into wholeness, or held me back.

Sifting, you might say, trying to save what was good, and let fall what was hurtful. Maybe it is more about forgiving others than forgiving myself. I struggle with the word forgiveness, as it implies religiosity, which of course carries within it years of patriarchy and hierarchy. That being said, a part of me feels a bit of (to borrow from Kierkegaard) fear and trembling. I have no fear and trembling of God, but of not wanting to be judging of someone else’s faith. Not wanting to tear apart a fabric that works in some way. Yet, if the Bible says, Rend your hearts, not your garments; this requires some introspection, perhaps then judging is part of the process.

We hold faith in our culture with special handling. We learn early not to talk about ‘religion or politics,’ yet our publications and radio talk shows scream out at us on the topics of religion and politics. So, where are the boundaries? I don’t think that religion should be left in the hands of the religious or the pious, this seems dangerous at worst, and disingenuous at best. At one point when I was a Christian, people imbued me with spirituality, that is, they often told me that I was ‘spiritual.’ I thought I knew what that meant then, because I was reading the Bible, and praying and well, talking to God quite often.

I no longer read the Bible, I pray in my own way, and when I’m talking to God lately, it’s to swear. So, am I no longer spiritual? Am I the heathen I tell people I am in order to put an end to their wondering about what I’m up to? What does spiritual mean, anyway? For me spirituality is about what Martin Buber called the “I-Thou” relationship. What this means to me is that every human I encounter, is holy. A priest is no more holy than a man on the street. This holiness is not earned nor learned, but inherent in the aliveness of the person. This idea of holiness is separate from the concept of whole and healthy.

I believe our wholeness comes from having our holiness acknowledged. Our wholeness is ongoing and hopefully on our journeys we find ways to become more whole, more able to love ourselves and others, in or out of churches or temples. Sometimes churches acknowledge each person’s holiness, and honor this, sometimes they don’t. Figuring this out isn’t always easy.

Finding a church like Anne Lamott’s seems like a crapshoot. Or a human endeavor, flawed, but none the less, enlightening, if we let it be. So, I wanted to be like Anne Lamott for a while, the liberal, hip Christian, but that’s her gig, not mine. I'm thinking I've wanted it to be easy, that I'm supposed to be like someone. I was raised, after all, to be like Jesus. I'm now trying to figure out how to be like me.