Lake Woe is Me

The alarm goes off at 6:00 am and at 6:15 Garrison Keillor comes on the radio. Most days I’m awake by then and happy to hear him. He’ll read a poem that speaks to me, and I wake up un alone. Somedays he talks of books, books, books, and I feel so un read, and I realize how little time I have in the next half of my life to read all the great novels; I will never read them all. Somedays I'm discouraged by the thought of all these writers, famous, published and I wonder if I’ll ever get out of the gate? This discouraging thought becomes overwhelming, so early in the morning; layered on top of having to hussle to get ready to go to a job that is un creative and low paying.

Today I was crabby when I heard him, I was sleeping deep, and when I awoke and heard his voice, it was “Oh, bother, not him again.” Here is a man who was actually able to make an English degree, (an English degree for God’s sake) work for him. Not just a copywriter, but a BIG name, a creative who makes tons of money. Today I just say, “Errrrr.”

Last week I heard back from both a job and an internship that did not pick me. Of course they put it more professionally than that, but it was just enough rejection for me to go whine to a co-worker, “What’s wrong with me?” Because that’s how job interviews make me feel. They are so contrived, so awful, so judging and un creative with their stock questions that make me squirm. So I go in with a bad attitude, no matter how much I prepare. No matter how much I spent on the new suit, no matter how much I’ve read up on their organization.

I feel like a failure, even, or subversive, or that I will jinx myself, admitting I hate job interviews. Maybe it goes back to grade school phy ed, where you waited in line to get picked for teams. Where the athletic popular girls grinned as they picked their friends for their team first, then the stronger girls who whether they liked them or not, who would at least help the team. Then there was me, and the other, smaller, un athletic, unpopular girls, who could prove to be liabilities to the team, who were picked last and reluctantly.

So, today I will admit it, I am a bit resentful that I don’t have the life of Garrison Keillor, who gets to read about authors and their stories, and read poetry, and be on the radio.