So on my small weekend vacation up North, I never did get my ass on a horse. Instead, I twisted and sprained my ankle. Nearly right away, nearly as soon as I got there. A simple twist of fate, perhaps. I simply was stepping out the door to go get some groceries for the weekend, and didn’t notice the small step right outside the front door of my sister-in-law’s home. So other things happened. Later that day, I did take a boat ride, walked down the hill to the lake, very gingerly, and pressed forward in spite of the pain, but the next day, when riding was scheduled, my ankle was much too swollen, so my nephew drove me around the Alexandria lakes area while the rest of the family went riding.
Strangely, my sister-in-law was worried I would sue her over the fall. This was really weird to me, since I’d never even have thought of it if she hadn’t brought it up, at least a couple of times. But this reminded me that my whole family has issues around trust. This is sad. This was the part of the vacation that worried me, wondering if I could feel safe enough to relax around my extended family. Wondering how to listen to the stories and not feel overwhelmed. Like hearing from my niece that she held it against my mom that my brother never really liked Christmas; all because of the infamous Christmas when my mom pulled down the Christmas tree in a rage at us kids. She wondered if I’d remembered that Christmas. Of course I did, how would you forget that? I don't even remember how old I was, maybe 6 or 8, and my mom simply had a meltdown, and yelled that if it was so much fun to wreck things, she'd do it too. She pulled over the Christmas tree and started throwing things. It was terrifying and all of us we were trying so hard to tell her we were sorry. My mom wanted so badly to have a picture perfect life, which, of course was impossible with 8 kids. I grew up with this horrible thought that we kids wrecked my mom's life. It was odd to have this very private memory shared.
It was also a little odd (and touching) that my sister-in-law keeps the radio on in the garage constantly, to remind her of my brother. It is on an ‘oldies’ station, that he always listened to. I came to understand that we all grieve and remember in our own ways. I also came away with understanding how having fun can be interwoven with other thoughts and emotions. In my family, my mother was very judging of people having fun, so having fun for me became an exercise in telling myself it was ok to have fun. I had to untangle emotions and values and beliefs that were prohibiting me from relaxing, especially with my family. It’s really hard to have fun when you don’t feel safe.
Yet, all in all, it was a good getaway. My oldest and youngest daughters were able to spend time together in a way they never had; my grandson Max, swam across the entire lake with one of his cousins, and had an awesome time fishing, swimming and boating. I came away with a great bottle of wine from Carlos Creek Winery. My sister-in-law and her family could share their memories of my brother with someone who knew him well, who shared his family stories, no matter how bitter. I was able to somehow put to rest the regret I’d felt, when he was dying, that I hadn’t trusted my brother enough to take him up on his offer, when he was alive, to bring my kids and grandkids up to go boating and fishing.
Maybe next year I'll get on a horse.
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