The Myth or Ode to Love

The forced intimacy of sharing my womb

when I was used to having some alone time

for nine whole months we shared my body

my blood

my food and water

and we grew

I did not know what sort of chemical bath

my brain was bathed in

the endorphins that surged through

my body when we were together

when my breasts became your sustenance

your breath became my joy

And so the usual path that I’d taken in the past

to be avoidant to be alone to make my friendships

in literature not life took a turn

perhaps even a fork

and the path became peopled 

with emotions I’d dared not greet 

Your existence became a constant adventure

a challenge a seeking

a flashlight on my shadow self

your emotions raw and rash

and bold and daring

more colorful and bright than I could have imagined

I had bits of memory come floating back

of hiding in the bathroom

of crying on the stairwell

of feeling so alone I thought my being 

would shatter

of being the child you had become 

And books again became my path

only this time not to be alone

but to find the answers

on how to be together

how to turn avoidant anxious

to secure not for me but for you

You had become all I cared about

learning to create the alchemy of love

that had been missing

the space for emotion

that I did not know existed

the language of acceptance that I’d never heard 

The time was running out

the years flew by

you grew up

so quickly

I was Sisyphus

pushing the rock uphill for the sin of deceit

I lived long enough 

to understand

to let you go

to learn to love

on your own 

never forgetting the lessons you brought

There is enough

the gravest deceit is against ourselves

against those we love

against the very nature

of who we are more than flesh and blood 

the rock dissolved against the mountain  

Truth in Advertising

There’s been some noise out there about Facebook manipulating their user’s emotions. Imagine that, people manipulating other people’s emotions. Is that fair, right, ethical? Maybe we should ask ourselves, is this anything new? Or even, how can we protect ourselves from this manipulation in the first place? 

We in the US, (and other countries as well, perhaps) have been influenced (manipulated) for years into believing and acting upon certain beliefs and values. An enlightened view can come from looking critically at the work of Edward Bernays. Edward Bernays was a nephew of Sigmund Freud, influenced by Freud, and someone who had top-level connections in the US during the early part of the 20th century. You can find his book Propaganda (1928), in most bookstores. This is a quote from his book, “The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country.” According to Wikipedia; Bernays's vision was of a utopian society in which individuals' dangerous libidinal energies, the psychic and emotional energy associated with instinctual biological drives that Bernays viewed as inherently dangerous given his observation of societies like the Germans under Hitler, could be harnessed and channeled by a corporate elite for economic benefit.

So, since at least 1928, there has been a construct around the idea of manipulating people to conform to behavior by “harnessing” psychic and emotional energy. This is based on outdated views of human in general, and emotional energy in particular. In some ways, we have come very far in understanding human emotions, and in some cases, researchers are now able to confirm some emotions in animals as well. We know now that emotional energy is not dangerous, but essential, and advantageous to us as a species. But it seems to take a long time for information accepted and proven by researchers to reach the general public, most likely because their forte is understanding human behavior, not manipulating it. 

Let me help you out here a bit. Your emotions are not dangerous, and having emotions does not make you overly emotional, feminine, or neurotic. Having emotions makes you human. Most of us however, have very little understanding of our own, or other people’s emotions, making us feel at best nervous, and at worst isolated, when it comes to connecting with ourselves and each other around our feeling states. Many of us have been conditioned to have shame around one, some, or all of our emotions, and this shame feels so terrible, that we often never get through it to let ourselves even feel what we need to feel. 

I say need to feel, because that is what our emotions are for, feeling them, accepting them, understanding the information they bring to bear on the situation for us. If, for example, your understanding of anger is that it is bad, this might make you feel like you are a bad person every time you feel anger. This is not true, anger in and of itself is not bad, and we all feel anger. Yes, you, even the person who says, “I never get angry.” Because you do, you just aren’t letting yourself feel it or express it. Maybe you grew up in a home where anger was expressed in hurtful and violent ways, and you are fortunate enough to have learned how not to express this emotion this way, this doesn’t mean, however, that you aren’t ever feeling anger. Anger does not equal violence or even road rage, these are behaviors, not emotions. 

Being disconnected from emotions isn’t just about managing what some might still refer to as “negative” emotions. No emotions are negative, some might just feel better than others. Unfortunately, we can learn to disconnect from our emotions, even our love, even our joy. If trying to become rational and logical, in the mistaken belief that our emotions are a hindrance, we can not just shut down anger and fear but in this belief, we also shut down love, joy, and the connection to others that emotions create. 

And so, what this is leading to is the belief that I hold, that as we connect and learn from our emotions, we limit the possibility that anyone or anything else can manipulate us at all. We become solid, we become impenetrable, and we realize that in feeling our feelings and integrating them into our selves, we no longer have the need for barriers that protect us from being manipulated (having our “buttons” pushed). And in this connection, we connect to others in our love and joy and freedom, unhindered by the messages of propaganda. 

Many, many, enlightened people live in the space of knowing the systems that are in place that try to manipulate and control, but don’t know how to create a sense of self that rises about this propaganda. It’s complicated, but it’s not impossible. I have truly found that in compassion for ourselves and others, we create a different energy that blocks out the bad karma that can come from feeling trapped in systems that perpetuate outdated beliefs about who we are as humans. 

I struggled in writing this, not wanting to get stuck myself in that bad juju of erroneous beliefs. It’s easier for me most times to meditate, or listen to music, or surround myself with the energy of magic, of body and mind and heart integrated, or find or create art, which arises from the connection of reason and romance. Instead of being on Facebook, I can enjoy created masterpieces from enlightened poets and artists and craftsman who found their whole self and joy, and in this joy created that which continues to bring forth joy. This is why art is so important, it is proof of our humanity which is integrated, holy, and provides evidence that this is possible, it pronounces who we are, and not who we are not. 

I don't want to fight the propaganda, or Facebook, or get angry at something so big that it makes me feel helpless. This doesn't serve me, but what I can do,  is use this anger at propaganda to fuel my words, to tell a different story, to use my voice to suggest to others that they too, might find their wholeness, their holiness, might find their joy. Find your own truth, and you will need no advertising. 

Loving Your Little Weirdo Self

When was the last time you acknowledged to yourself that you still are carrying around the feelings of that little weirdo self you once were? Living with kids helps you remember and connect, if you’re self aware enough, and lucky enough to be able to talk about this weird stuff with someone, but all serious, scientific talk aside, you know, those articles about being vulnerable, this is what it boils down to. At one point, we were all vulnerable, totally dependent on our caregivers to nurture us enough to keep us alive, and we are all, to one extent or another, living the messages that we received and internalized about how to keep the love comin. 

Once we got this down, and made it to the real world, like maybe first grade, (whew, remember kindergarten graduation?) we were less vulnerable enough to wander the world alone. And for me, and for all three of my daughters, and I’m guessing for you too, these worlds of lawless hallways were filled with kids who asked questions like, “Where did you get those shoes (fill in with glasses, hair, etc.)?” The questions that made you feel like something was maybe wrong with you, but you weren’t sure what. What, what, you’d wonder were wrong with your green tennis shoes? 

And so, without ever really knowing what was wrong, or even what could make this right, we meander our way through life. And eventually we might even accomplish enough things to make us feel like most of the things about us are alright, maybe even ‘normal.’ But there can still linger than weird feeling, that makes us feel unsure, unsteady, that slight worry, that maybe we are a weirdo. I’ve met up with my little weirdo self this morning. The tiny little girl with crazy blond curls that everyone thought was still 3 or 4 when she was actually 5 or 6. Try trying to convince an adult that you only really just look like a toddler, geez. That older kid who had a dad who drank too much, who had a mother who chased her siblings in the yard with a wooden spoon, and who yearned for a quiet life of books and music. Guess what I told her, “Hey, you know, I love you, and so do a lot of other people, and you’re turning out just fine, sure, a little weird sometimes, but we all are, and that’s really ok.” It is ok.