The Terrible Truth

Can I Be Free & Happy and Still Eat? 

This is the question that is constantly floating at the back of my head. We are told, life is hard, you work and then you die. We are jealous of the rich bastards that get to relax and travel. We try to make up lies about them to console ourselves. We are told that play is the reward of work, not the necessary part of life that it is. We are told that we don’t deserve our happiness if we are white and privileged, we are told that we are going to lose whatever small prosperity we have if we are too generous. We are told that people are so greedy they will only love us for our money, if we are lucky enough to get some. We subtly believe that lazy people don’t deserve to live, let alone have food and health care, right? Why should I work and break my back so someone else can just goof off and still, still, just exist? And we also are told that we are responsible for the lives and happiness of those across the globe, responsible to feed them (the food unfinished from our plates, a guilty reminder), to educate them, to religiousize them, to free them, to give them all ipads and make them just like us. And these are just some of the ideologies that swarm around me on my path. 

I want to only care about me and my family, really, and if I breathe a word of this, I am looked on with disdain. I know, I have said such terrible things before. People seem to assume that if we carry all the guilty burdens of these ideologies, we somehow help move the planet forward. As if I let go of caring for the whole f------ universe, it will fall apart. Well, I’m letting go, I’m going to leave the developed countries with their violence, dominance and privilege, the developing countries with their financial and political crises, and the undeveloped countries, towns, parcels and peoples everywhere to their own devices. I’m going to turn off the news, I’m going to turn on Pandora to Ella Fitzgerald, I’m going to listen closely to those around me, I’m going to enjoy what I can in life, be grateful and believe that the world doesn’t need me to care about everyone else, but to choose to care about those around me, those I pass on the street who need a smile, this I can give, but I just can’t give up my whole life to passing ideologies, anymore. I want to eat and not feel guilty, I want to be free (enough) and be grateful, and I want to make so much money that I can be generous and not worry that those around me are greedy, but just enjoying my abundance. I don't want play to be my reward, but my life.