sparkly time of year

It’s the start of the holiday season, and I need to stop equating these short days and dark evenings with falling in love. For some reason, I harken back to being so young, only eighteen and hanging out in downtown Minneapolis when Steve and I first fell in love. Walking down Hennepin Avenue or the Nicollet Mall, with the trees all asparkle, a swirl of snow, flakes falling on our hair and eyelashes. And so, with the start of the season, I feel like something is missing, not excited and not really ready to celebrate with the amazing family I have. 

Over the holidays, I also miss my dad-- in his flannel shirts and a fire in the solid brick fireplace in my parents' big home.  So, what do I think, at this time of year? I think that another year has passed and I am still alone! I remember telling a girlfriend when I was newly divorced, 17 years ago, that if it took a year or two for me to get my bearings before I got remarried, that would be OK. But seriously, 17 years? OK, these 17 years have been full, and I’ve grown exponentially, and had the chance to connect with my self, from my inner child to my inner goddess, and had the opportunity to become the overly educated self that I am now. 

So, where’s the love? I find love in my children and grandchildren, and in my friends and even my clients (I do love them, I just can’t really tell them that, that might be weird). I have lots and lots of love, but not the kind I’d had in mind, all those years ago when I figured I’d be remarried in a year or two. My daughters will point out, yes, I’ve had relationships, but nothing special enough to hang onto, nothing really viable. So, this year, I’ve decided to quit equating the season with romance, and just get into the swing of it, and quit mooning around, waiting for love, like my life is some movie, like, Holiday Inn.  

This evening, at Target, Megan and I picked out new Christmas tree lights, and didn’t care that they weren’t on sale. We’ll get the tree up hopefully this weekend, way early for us, to make up for the fact that last year we didn’t put it up at all. I think I might even buy curtains for the dining room to cozy it up, and find all my old Christmas CD’s. We’ll be home for the holidays, and the Nicollet Mall will still be there, shiny displays in the windows, lights sparkling on the trees, people bustling, breath coming out in puffs in the cold, snow swirling around and bright red kettles, ready to take your spare change. Maybe this time next year, I’ll have a hand to hold, walking through the sparkly streets of downtown, someone to duck into a warm restaurant with, just maybe.