Bumpy Night

As I know, sometimes the outcome of things is unexpected. I like this about life, I don’t like this about life. I took my first doctorate level course, totally expecting it to give me amazing skills, (it was Advanced Research Writing) and really, it just made me dislike research writing even more than I already did. Why I don’t like research writing: well, it is based on a system that uses the past and measuring as a basis for what is acceptable. It is contrived and makes you accept that what is generally accepted due to following process is more true than not true, which, I believe, is totally untrue. We’ve all been victims of research in the last half of a century which has purported to find one thing true, only to have it turn out after more research, to be untrue. From eggs are bad for you to psycho-pharms are good for you. 

Also, the topic that I chose to research, Feminist Pedagogy, was interesting historically, but was also a bit depressing to realize just how hard so many women are working to move us forward, and then, just this week, to have some ignorant male politician make a comment about rape that is totally untrue, but just think how far this man had gotten in this ignorance of his that of course was not something he just woke up that day into. Errrrrr. That’s all I can say about that. So, back to research writing. It’s not that I totally disregard and hate all research writing, I’ve learned tons from it. There are wonderful scientific writers that have illuminated many, many things for me. I just still feel like I’m on this side of writing, not that. I like to be able to just write and speak my peace, and not cite anything (or much of anything). 

So now, as I’m registered for course 2 in this doctoral journey, I’m not as excited, I’m hesitant, wondering, is this degree for me? Is this the way? If it’s not, than the future is more unclear than clear, or the path is curving and I can’t see around the bend. It’s this uncertainty that unnerves me, and yet moves me also. I am stuck between boredom and the unknown, I am in the process of becoming something different, the process that I thought I’d only go through once, called adolescence. But no, it’s not a onetime process, it is a part of what it means to be human, and perhaps there’s no preparation for it, only the words of Bette Davis, as Margo Channing in the 1950 movie, All About Eve, “Fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy night.” (about.com-not a reliable source, but good enough for non-APA writing, aka, good enough for me).