Language of Love

I heard of something recently called the Five Languages of Love (from the book of the same title), and of course I’m skeptical, skeptical but curious. It seems this book is being used in women’s bible studies. Seriously, a preferred love language? That’s my reaction, and I will admit I’ve never read the book, but I did peruse the author/book site and take the free online test, which, of course, is simplified, and it does seem to lead people on to think they really should have, or should pick a love language, just for them.

Here’s the love languages according to Dr. Gary Chapman: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. This probably sells books, but I don’t think that someone should use this information in relationships. It seems a bit unfair, to say to someone, “If you loved me, you’d love me like this, my love language.” My preferred language was Quality Time. This came as no surprise. I haven’t had Quality Time from someone in quite some time, as in quality time=a date, who else just wants to sit and stare at you? Not my friends or children. So, if I don’t get quality time, should I feel unloved? If my daughter’s preferred language is Receiving Gifts and I’m broke, how does that work? I’m just wondering....

I’ve been thinking about love lately. I’ve also been reading David Richo’s book, How To Be An Adult In Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving. A book worth reading from beginning to end. In this book, Richo says that what all children (and adults) need are: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing, as in being allowed to explore and be ourselves. And so, I wonder how abundant, or how scarce these things were in my parenting, and in my own life growing up? I believe we can always learn to love ourselves and those in our lives better. What a great premise and what a great goal: to continue to be the best lover I can be.

I realize that two of the ways that I seem to love myself the most, are the ways that my mom was best able to show me that she loved me. I dress myself well, and eat pretty well. These were both important to my mom, that we children looked good and ate well. Compared to getting a lot of other needs met, this seems superficial, and when you need a hug, and you’re told that your shirt is untucked, well, it doesn’t feel like love at all. But we all get what we get and it is really up to us to make the best of it. So, now I need to learn to give myself attention, acceptance (even when I’m not looking good), appreciation, which I do get from my mom now, affection, and allowing. A big task, non?

This requires more honesty and introspection. The ability to accept that we don’t always get our love needs met from our parents, or our partners. This then, however, frees us up to learn how to best love ourselves, and in the process, model for others how to love. The beauty in this is that I’ve found that how we love ourselves is how we love others. As we discussed at meditation sitting last night, as we meditate, compassion flows out from the practice of meditation. Love is not static, it’s dynamic and moves out into the world. It creates it's own language.