Becoming Codependent with Myself

I was raised to be codependent. There you have it. I was raised to not feel my own feelings and to take care of everyone and everything less capable of myself at the time. When my little brother overdosed on baby aspirin at age 2, and I was all of 4; my mother in her distress cried out, “Why weren’t you watching him?” When he nearly died, I was terrified, but my parents were too distraught over my brother being in the hospital to notice. They called the church, and the Nuns prayed. He lived, and 7 years later when he fell off the fishing dock into Lake Harriet, I jumped in after him and he nearly drowned me. We could both swim, I think we were just scared and overcome by the fact that the water was way over our heads. Fortunately some woman pulled us out and marched us home and asked my mother “Why weren’t you watching them?”

And so why ask why? Why with 8 children did you not know where they all were, all of the time? Do the math, 1 mom, 8 kids. Dad was at work. We lived all over the neighborhood and well, stuff happened. Kids in the neighborhood got into trouble and blew fingers off with fireworks. They were cautionary tales. Average people like us did not go to psychotherapy. We were supposed to learn lessons.

Some of these ‘lessons’ we internalized. Some of these lessons were subtly woven into our lives at school, at church and at our friend’s homes. Girls were supposed to nice, and help others, and serve others and be careful. Be quiet, and not complain. We didn’t talk about our feelings back then.

I also grew up believing that if I weren’t careful enough someone might die. When I was 12 and I started babysitting, I’d have nightmares that the babies would die. I still babysat, and no one ever died. I was a good babysitter. A bit tense, a bit worried, but reliable.

When I became an adult and got married and had children, I realized that I had to take care of these people. Feed them, listen to them, understand them. Keep them alive. I honestly came to a point where I didn’t feel like I knew what I was doing, but I had to keep going. When all my girls were little, I had this nagging thought, that if only I could start over I would be able to do it differently. Not really knowing what different was, but I was often overwhelmed by thinking that maybe I was doing it ‘wrong’ and that my kids weren’t getting everything they needed, emotionally. I thought if only I could be more organized!

I think now, that not being allowed to feel my own feelings, and not really understanding how emotions work to help us, kept me from feeling competent. From feeling safe and like I was doing a good job. I ended up growing to need affirmation, often. I wanted to be assured I was ok and that everyone else was ok. I couldn’t trust my feelings, this might have helped me gauge the “ok-ness.” Instead, because I couldn’t feel, sort and label them, my feelings often overwhelmed me. I was often in a state of being worried about being blamed and scared that something really terrible might happen.

Well, sometimes terrible things did happen and we survived. Mostly. We all have our psychic scars. We have our wounds that still hurt. And, we still have the rest of our lives to recover. So how do I recover from my codependent traits? It helps to have your children all grow up. It helps to have them tell you directly that they want to have nothing to do with you wanting to get your needs met by helping them.

I have slowly started to notice when I want to give in to people, just to keep peace. I’m noticing when I tell someone, “Really, it’s fine,” when it’s not. I’m trying to own it, and accept it too. I’m noticing my feelings and letting myself feel them. I’m thinking about what I want, what I need. I’m spending more time with friends, making time to have fun, to do want I want. I’m taking the words of my daughter, Erin, to heart. She said, “Mom, now you’ll just have to be codependent with yourself.”


This is what Wikipedia says, (take heart): Some believe that codependency is not a negative trait, and does not need to be treated, as it is more likely a healthy personality trait taken to excess. Codependency in nonclinical populations has some links with favorable characteristics of family functioning.
The language of symptoms of and treatment for codependence derive from the medical model suggesting a disease process underlies the behavior. There is no evidence that codependence is caused by a disease process, communicable or otherwise.