Unfailing Love

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, For I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, For to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, For you are my God; May your good spirit lead me on level ground. Psalm 143 v. 8-10

I want to find comfort in these words, but I’m not sure how God would show me the way to go. I’m not finding much direction anywhere these days. But I am finding a peace inside myself, in letting go of my past, of letting myself feel the pain of emptiness as I understand that all the stuff I’ve collected has somehow represented security to me. There is a certain peace in understanding there is no security, only life, only now. Pieces of the future fall into the present and I go with them, not entirely sure how or why, or if this is ‘right’ or even right for me.

Searching back to go forward. I am going backward, I am going forward. One thing my kids don’t understand is how strange it is to have so many years behind, so many thoughts I’ve thought, people I’ve known, places I’ve been. I could get lost in my past, like my mom does sometimes, telling stories about people I’ve never known, dead long before I was born. I want to stay present, in the present. Yet I’m drawn with a curiosity to understand the path behind me in a way that enlightens my future.

Right now I am going through what I think is the last of the ‘stuff.’ The last of the memories I’ve saved and books that I thought were important, but have just realized I will probably not get back to them, ever. I’m still trying to understand how the psalm above used to give me so much comfort, because I’ve lost that. I’m not sure how or why.

I will share one more thing, I think I am still pissed off at God, and here is why. In my aloneness of being a single mom, I had my parents, who, even when I was an adult, represented such security to me. Sometimes I worried that something might happen to one or both of them. But I consoled myself, I told myself that God would never let me lose a parent unless I had a partner to be by my side to bear the grief. This one small prayer not to be left alone, adrift, was not answered. My dad died of cancer, and my mom was left as alone as I was.

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.