Having a Baby at Home

My middle daughter, Erin, is going to have a baby. She is going to have this baby her way and I am really proud of her. It is hard to tell all the dreams and wishes that I hold in my heart for my girls, there are many. Mostly, I hold out for them that they live life fearlessly, and when they do I cheer.

I was so psyched this fall when Erin and her boyfriend Andy were planning a trip to London. The airfare was a present to Erin from her dad and her Grandmother on finishing her four year degree. Andy had been working at a job in which one of the benefits was free hotel rooms, worldwide, so these two new college grads were on their way to a very cool vacation. They had both worked hard, working and going to school and living in (as they called it) their ‘crappy apartment.’ Before they were to go on their trip, they stopped over for dinner. A few weeks earlier, feeling generous, I’d given Erin a bottle of three buck chuck (Charles Shaw wine) from Trader Joe’s.

On her way in the door, Erin gave me the bottle of wine back, saying, “Here, I won’t be able to drink this now.” And I knew. I was totally surprised, but I knew. We screamed, and cheered and cherished the moment. I was in shock! This was my daughter who wanted to go to grad school, a doctoral program in psychology maybe. Now what? In our family, we have babies. It doesn’t stop us from the life we want to live, either.

They had a wonderful trip, and Erin has been fine, crabby and miserable sometimes, but nonetheless fine. They got over telling Andy’s parents, who are a bit more traditional than me. They got over Andy’s aunt being upset, since she’d just told her children that you have to be married to get pregnant. They thought about marriage, but long ago, Erin told me she didn’t want to get married and conform to social roles.

The baby is due in June. This week Erin and Andy are interviewing midwives, because Erin is having her baby at home. I was worried as she talked about it. How do you have your baby at home? Where do you have your baby at home? The idea wasn’t totally out there for me. My good friend Mary, nearly 30 years ago had her babies at home, in Seattle, with midwives, and I can still remember thinking how amazing she looked in the photos taken minutes after her babies were born. Still, this was my baby, having my grandbaby, and I had never been brave enough to have my babies at home, or even seriously consider it.

Erin knew I was worried, so she sent me a link to the website of one of the midwives she was interviewing; in typical Erin style, with the few words, “See Mom, it’s safe.” And what I read on this woman’s site was comforting and amazing, and it spoke of trusting the woman’s body. It was empowering and I’m likin these new brave mamas! I’m also seeing so much of how I was raised not to trust myself. And how learning to trust myself is bringing some sadness for all the years that I’ve made decisions without this ability. How can you make good decisions when part of the process is shut down?

Today when I spoke with Erin, she had interviewed 2 of the 4 midwives that she had contacted. When she told me why she preferred one over the other, it was fun to hear about. One is older, with more experience, but not licensed; Erin described it by saying, “She's not licensed on purpose, you know like, ‘stickin it to the man.’” Erin went on to say that she loved this woman’s passion and she said if she did have to be in the hospital she would want this woman to be her advocate. Erin, however, liked the other midwife better, because she was ‘more calm.’ Andy thought they were both hippies.

Erin’s phrase, that the first woman came across as wanting to ‘stick it to the man’ struck me, immensely. I have been having this huge inner debate about getting licensed in my field of family therapy. I weigh the odds of what it means to be licensed, against what it would mean to not be licensed, to prove that I don’t need this organization, with its patriarchal heritage. But the phrase Erin used, captures so much angst, so much pain, so much hurt, that I realized, I don’t want to stick it to the man. I want to practice therapy. I want to be a healer, I want to empower all people, not just women, to find what they want, to be ok with want they want, to look around the whole benevolent universe and to be able to say, ‘this is how I want to live my life.’

I am still practicing feeling my feelings, it is not coming easy, but it is different. I’m hoping to backlog through all my angst, and bitterness about only now learning how to harness my emotional power to direct me towards what is better for me. To know the difference between listening and letting a person own their own feelings and trying to take on someone else’s feelings and assuming responsibility for them to ‘feel better.’

I want to be a part of something bigger, and if it is the world of MFT’s even if I don’t like the phrase Marriage and Family Therapist, well then, I’ll hammer my sword into a plowshare. Maybe sometimes in conversation, or in politics, or on the page, it is ok to be angry and hurt, and filled with angst, but I’m thinking that as a therapist, I’m best off staying calm and getting licensed.