Reckless

Synonyms
1. rash, heedless, incautious, negligent, imprudent.

Antonyms
1. careful.

Maybe there is something in the middle, but lately I am drawn to reckless. Drawn to leaving caution to the wind, tired of careful. Maybe I’ve just used up my allotment of caring. Caring what people think, caring what I should wear, caring what I look like, caring what my home looks like, caring for my mother, caring for my sister, caring for my husband, caring for my children, that’s a lot of caring. 

Wondering how do I care for me, and how did I manage to learn to put myself last, not first? What if caring about all those other things is actually a great act of uncaring for myself? What if I’ve been socialized to care about all the wrong things? What if all the internalized messages that I’ve been acting upon day in and day out have left too little room for me? Perhaps this is where recklessness has raised it’s head, and it is saying, “What is it that you want?” And all the while, I’ve been raised to believe that it is imprudent to want what I want, that I would be negligent to take care of me, first. 

So, reckless calls my name and I answer rashly, “Here I am, let’s go.”