Give and Receive

A lot of stuff has been happening in my life lately. My daughter Erin and her partner Andy had a wonderful honeymoon in Hawaii, leaving their car on the wrong side of the street while a snow emergency was in effect. I drove over and moved it; they were bright enough to leave me a set of keys. I drove two hours in the horrible early morning blizzard a couple of days ago to pick up and take my beloved grandson to a TEC (teens encounter Christ) weekend. These are the things I do when I’m not at my day job or seeing clients, or trying to keep up my own home. I’ve also been dating (again) on an online site. I’ve met 7 guys in 7 weeks and still there is no one that clicks. 

I’ve also had a chance to connect with a good friend of mine who does work in recovery from childhood abuse. One of the things she shared with me was her realization that in good love relationships there really isn’t give and take, but give and receive. The difference might seem subtle, but the concept is not. No one wants to be taken from, which is what often happens in relationships of unequal power. In mulling over this nuanced difference, I’ve realized how hard it is for some of us to receive. I find that I can be very good at giving, but not very good at receiving. How then to find the balance to both give and receive? 

How do we sift through what we want, what others want, what others want of us? Do others demand through silent manipulation, through years of unspoken rules about what we must do to be loved, to be accepted; or do they model giving and receiving? How do we move through our lives leaving uncritical space for others to be in and just show up? 

I am sifting through the person I became to survive in a culture of silent manipulation, that felt comfortable enough to me because it validated my need to be both needed and seen as smart. I have also been making more space in my life to be the mom and bubbe to my children and grandchildren that has always felt very much like my purpose, but now, I also want to express my gratitude for all I’ve received from them. We can never totally show up for only one person, we can have all of ourselves accepted and reflected back when we find community, and in this way feel whole. The more we are seen, the more we have to give, the more space we allow, the more we can receive. The more we move through life this way, we are connected and supported, seen and lifted up in our autonomy and our belonging. 

Sitting in this space, waiting for more community, waiting for that one connection that will rock my world, offering space and learning the art of receiving, practicing gratitude.