Real Riches

Our Real Riches are Our Ability to Feel 

Seriously, it is true, our abundance lies in our ability to feel our feelings and to know that we are connected to all of the world, if we are connected, we then have access to everything. We are made of stardust and ocean and all the other things that grow and thrive and continually become stronger until we rejoin the earth in a different form. So, I am going to make the intention to be grateful not just for the things in my life, but for the ability to feel, and for each different, nuanced feeling that I experience. To be grateful for each second that my body is alive, feeling, and connected to everything else in this amazing web of life. To see things as related, not separate, to see things as a whole, not parts, to feel awe, to feel supported, to feel belonging, not because I conform, but because I exist. 

Punished

There have been many lessons I have learned as a parent, and one of the most valuable lessons that fortunately I learned early on-- is that punishment does not work. Does not work, I repeat this, because we are so marinated in this construct that we can hardly remove it from our lives. But seriously, it does not work, and not only does it not work, what it does is destroy trust and relationship. If we believe, really believe that we will be punished for doing certain things, it only tells us that what we are doing is wrong, it does not open  up possibilities for what is right. 

Punishment makes people feel so unsafe, it boxes them into a corner, where their creativity which is needed to see possibilities is shut down. I found a wonderful explanation of this, this morning, reading through a clinical book called Trancework by Michael Yapko, this is how he puts it; “In simply punishing someone for doing something wrong, there is nothing provided to tell the person what the right thing is to do. The person merely learns what not to do; receiving repeated punishment with no alternatives provided leads to frustration, anger, and finally a point where punishment is no longer effective” (p. 286). 

For me, it was as simple as spanking my child and realizing that they would do the same thing that I spanked them for over again, so I could spank them again and again and again and they would still do the same thing. As explained above, the spanking produced no change in the behavior, but what did change, was the relationship. I felt horrible, my child felt betrayed and then I somehow had to repair all that on top of finding alternatives to the behavior which started the whole thing. What I also had to do, was examine why it felt so awful to even want to punish someone. What thoughts, beliefs, did I actually hold about people, to imagine they needed to be punished, and that I was the one to do it? 

Finally, reading this, and put so succinctly, validates how I came to view how people grow and change, how people create loving relationships. In safety, with encouragement, with alternatives, not punishment. Although I don’t consider myself a Christian, there are still Bible verses that bounce around in my head, and this one comes to mind, perfect love casts out all fear. 

There is no fear where love exists. Rather, perfect love banishes fear, for fear involves punishment, and the person who lives in fear has not been perfected in love. 1 John 4:18. 

As I raised my daughters, I read the Bible regularly, I held onto the verses that made sense to me, that made me feel like I could trust myself, especially as a parent. There were some verses that when I internalized them, and acted on them; made my life and my relationships better. This I believe is wisdom, finding and accepting words that most affirm our best selves, the selves we strive to be, that create the relationships we want to have, that build the places of safety and growth in our lives. So, whether it is a clinical book, or a book a wisdom, words help to affirm and to guide us to articulate and share where we are most loved and most human. 

Road by Walking

There are times when I forget that I need to write for me. Sometimes, it seems I can write and the words flow, and it all makes sense (at least to me), and then there are times that come and I am worried that putting words to whatever is going on will just make it too real. Or, how do I in linear fashion put down on paper all the whirling, swirling thoughts and emotions that I am capable of experiencing? This is where the poets excel, right? 

A metaphor, like the wind through the top of a full, leafy tree comes close to the feelings. Slivers of sun, glimmer on the shiny side of the leaves, while the strong wind carries the branches up and down and the leaves shimmer and shake. I too shimmer and shake, and feel the current take my limbs  up and down and yet I am firmly rooted in the ground all the while. It feels like a storm inside me, and yet, all anyone might see is a glimmer in my eye; all they might hear is a long sigh. 

Nobody told me that the changes that come about when we grow from child to adult just keep coming about, year to year, as the seasons change, we too change. From naive to learned, from free to committed, from childless to grandparent, from in love to mourning, and then back again to free and in love. We ride the currents of life in a small or large boat, with many, with few, alone. What remains for us except the orb we stand on, the sky above. I thought I would grow from child to adult, and have all that I would need on my journey. 

I was told to go to college and make my way in a church and find a good enough man. After I’d done all those things, I sat still and found pieces of myself that I would need to take with me for the next stretch of road, and that still is all I can do. I can’t see the journey’s end, I can’t see the future, but I can tentatively step by step, make the road, and night by night, make my peace and make my bed, rest and start over.