the bargain

i come to the table
not to make a bargain 
with the devil
but to renegotiate
the bargain 
made with 
my life
in front of the alter
of shame
and unworthiness
i am pleading
that the angel
see
that really that bargain
was not made by me

i am laying out all
my trashy stuff
all the things 
that make me scared
and unaware
of how deserving 
i treally truly am
let’s make this deal
let’s make this done and sweet
let’s trade in any and all
thoughts constructs
that self defeat
nothing shady
nothing untrue
let’s even take away the bargaining table
between me and you 



some days are just sad

early morning
waking up
i wonder where i am heading
i hear the sound of the bus
down the street
wet from rain
a strange comfort
the buses always run
september weather in august
gray 
damp
like school should be 
starting soon
like i am still in grade school
when i am middle aged
i can smell new crayons
the soft feel of light blue lined paper
all the songs on my 
playlist come up
sad
violins weep
voices steeped in 
melancholy
then Fred Astaire
comes up
singing
“let’s face the music and dance”
and i smile