the bargain

i come to the table
not to make a bargain 
with the devil
but to renegotiate
the bargain 
made with 
my life
in front of the alter
of shame
and unworthiness
i am pleading
that the angel
see
that really that bargain
was not made by me

i am laying out all
my trashy stuff
all the things 
that make me scared
and unaware
of how deserving 
i treally truly am
let’s make this deal
let’s make this done and sweet
let’s trade in any and all
thoughts constructs
that self defeat
nothing shady
nothing untrue
let’s even take away the bargaining table
between me and you 



some days are just sad

early morning
waking up
i wonder where i am heading
i hear the sound of the bus
down the street
wet from rain
a strange comfort
the buses always run
september weather in august
gray 
damp
like school should be 
starting soon
like i am still in grade school
when i am middle aged
i can smell new crayons
the soft feel of light blue lined paper
all the songs on my 
playlist come up
sad
violins weep
voices steeped in 
melancholy
then Fred Astaire
comes up
singing
“let’s face the music and dance”
and i smile 

The Neediness Experiment

Lonely

Dictionary: lonely |ˈlōnlē|

adjective ( -lier , -liest )

sad because one has no friends or company: lonely old people whose families do not care for them.

• without companions; solitary : passing long lonely hours looking onto the street.

• (of a place) unfrequented and remote : a lonely stretch of country lane. 

Wikipedia: Loneliness, the state of "feeling lonely," describes a human state or feeling involving isolation, or the feeling of disconnection with others, etc. Often accompanied by a sense of yearning for connection. Usually manifests through hopes of romantic redemption in the arms of another. 

As a single person, I am loathe to admit to feeling lonely. And the first definition I looked up in the dictionary seemed to be untrue as in I’m not actually alone, nor friendless. I have great friends and family, and I’m actually surround by people more than I’d like, truth be told. But I am lonely, and in this culture, to be single and lonely is sort of to be a pariah, you know, desperate. But what I like about the wikipedia definition is that it is more about the feeling, rather than the state of being lonely. And not only am I feeling lonely, but I am always curious to know more about our feeling states. I believe our feelings (emotions) have important information for us that we often overlook, or bury or otherwise somehow try to keep at bay. So I want to sit with it, listen to it, learn from it. 

Now that I’ve admitted that I’m lonely, I can sit with it. As I sort through my particular loneliness, I’m thinking that a part of this is that I’m lonely for myself. I haven’t had enough alone time lately and that takes a toll. I also will admit that I am hoping for redemption in the arms of another, whew, now I’ve said it. Actually I was relieved to see that part, I thought I was the only lonely person who thought I could be saved from this sense of isolation by another. I get hung up on this piece, probably because I’ve so valued my freedom and autonomy and the connection I long for seems so out of my control. Like how do you get someone to redeem you or even just take you into their arms when you’re not even dating anyone? I’ve had that sense of relief, though, when someone does take you into their arms, and it is a lovely feeling. 

I’m also struggling lately with the whole dating piece in my head, trying to figure out, am I believing something that is keeping me from being in relationship? Like, is it me? And what is it about me, then? We all go through this; this, this, I know. I think that our culture has so mythologized love and romance and even commodified it to the point where we think it is our right to have a wonderful and fabulous romance, and you know what I want to go to the court of love and demand my pay out, but really there is no such thing. And maybe, sometimes, loneliness really is more about us being lonely for our self, and not lonely for another. Maybe we get lonely when things change, too. Lonely for other times and places. 

In this past weeks, my oldest daughter has been packing up to move away from the house she bought from me 7 years ago, the house that I moved into more than 25 years ago, with Kathleen ready for kindergarten, and Erin just a baby. This house held all of our family memories, the stairs the girls slid down on sleeping bags, the lilac tree that Erin and Megan would climb up into, the living room where Kathleen would choreograph dance moves for Erin and Megan to learn. After next week, the house and home will have to move from being the place that kept our secrets to entering into all our memories as the house the girls (and my grandsons) grew up in. 

Also, in the past weeks, the decision has been made to move my mom up North to Roseau, Minnesota. My mom has always been near to me; after my dad died, I moved her to Owatonna, and then to Waconia, to be closer to my brother, and then, again, a couple of years ago to Edina. But now she will be farther from me than ever; but close to my oldest sister who lives in Roseau. This is a good move for my mom, but still a change for me. And, one of my brothers who lives not too far from me, even though I don’t see him and his wife often, is moving down South, as in down south to another state, not Southern Minnesota. So, the memories contained in their home as well, will now be again, simply memories. The fact that my siblings are retiring is another whole story, too. Am I really getting this old?  

So, lots of changes, lots of people in my life moving around. And honestly, I am ready for a relationship, ready to give up freedom and autonomy for a new kind of freedom, freedom to move around in the place that love creates. Freedom to sit around on a Saturday (or Monday, or Tuesday) night and just listen to music or watch movies with someone. For a long, long time my children have been my life traveling companions, and now they are going down their own roads and I’d like to have someone whose road will connect with mine and meander down into the future. Someone with whom I am not the parent of or the daughter of, hmm, what could that be like? 

I feel a little guilty, too. I feel guilty and ashamed that I want someone to help and support me. Yes, to need someone. When I was young, the sense that I got from my parents was such disdain for needing anything, being one of eight, there really was never enough, that I grew to believe that to need someone, or anything, was not just bad, but disgusting. And so, I guess I’ve  had to split off from the part of myself that does indeed actually need others. I now invite that part of myself in. Why hello little needy girl, take a seat, with all your neediness and just relax. It is so alright to be needy, it is so alright to want to be held, to be cared for and to be wanted. And as I accept this needy part of myself, I believe that I can be accepted in my entirety by someone with open arms. This is the work, really. This is the part that requires constance, to stay with the parts of ourselves that we think make us vulnerable, but which in fact, make us whole. 

The neediness experiment: well, I don’t think I’ve ever shared this before, but this was an internal neediness experiment that I conducted when I was only 19. It was at this age that I took a few weeks and traveled by bus through Europe with a bunch of other college students. At the time I was newly engaged to Steve. I had a beautiful diamond ring that I wore on the trip. I was unsure, truly, about getting married and with my internalized sensibility regarding neediness, I believed this trip assured me the perfect way to test my own neediness. I believed that if I could be on this trip and not need Steve, it would be ok to marry him. If I thought that if I actually needed him, this would be the antithesis to love, which I believed was a choice, an intellectual decision. I smile now, I knew so little about life, about love, about how brain hemispheres and internalized concepts of love and life inform how we create relationships, that I can only look fondly on my young self. I also feel sad, that there was so little that I knew about my emotional self, and how to feel, understand, and trust my own feelings. So, there you have it, from a long time past, I’ve disdained neediness, only now, to find myself in the throes of it. 

I came back from Europe, convinced that I did not need Steve, but that I loved him. I would never deny my love for him, or for anyone else that I’ve ever loved, and I know now, that I too, needed him, just like we all need each other. Just like any other ordinary person, I need others. I am lonely, I need love.