Free From Fear

As I meditated this morning on the words of becoming free from fear; it became more clear how often I am in fear. Fear of judgement, fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of breaking yet one more unspoken rule in a culture that has currents of hierarchy, patriarchy and a bloody history of racism flowing just below the surface. Fear of loss. Fear of being found less than, less than the personas that we hide behind. We fear we are less, when actually, in our vulnerability, we are always more, much more. 

As a child I felt bewildered at times of having to give respect to those who clearly were not worthy of respect; but because they were older and/or had a title, respect was due. This early training carries over into our work lives, our school lives and every other place we show up where there is rank. We are under the threat to show deference to those who may or may not have our best interests at heart, who may or may not know how to treat people with respect and compassion themselves. I have held on to this bewilderment, and in this, often I find myself teetering on the edge of contempt. I don’t want to hold anyone in contempt, this is a challenge then, to turn from fear and contempt to compassion. 

Hopefully we get to choose what and who we respect as we get older, and I respect those who can hold others in compassion, not in fear. There is another kind of respect, also, that I hope to hold others in; this is in respect of their fear. This is more challenging to me,as I tend to get stuck onto or into others’ fear. I think this is where I am tempted to contempt. In my fear, I want to fight fear with fear. Instead I need to allow other’s to have their fear, and not enter into it. I need to respect their fear. 

In respecting other people’s fear, this means I allow them space around their fear, not judging them for their fear, as I tend to do. Fear manifests itself in so many ways, it can be tricky to track, but eventually it shows itself in making walls, creating ways in which we cannot connect, for fear of connection is so underlying most people’s fear. If we allow ourselves to be connected, we become vulnerable, which for many, instead of inviting closeness, is terrifying. 

A long, long time ago in the liner notes of a record album (LP); I found this quote and it has stuck in my head, “Across my heart I put a sign there is no thoroughfare, but love came laughing by and said, I enter everywhere.”  This comforts me, that there is no barrier to love, really. Not even fear. As the singing bowl sound enters into my body, let it reverberate away all fear, leaving more room for love.  

For Heaven's Sake

or how the concept of heaven corrupts

think about it

you will give up today

for an unknown tomorrow

and when tomorrow comes

you will once again

give it all up

until you die

or until you realize

the price is too high

the construct too 

nebulous

to give the whole 

rest of your life to

what if

there is no 

heaven

no god

no retribution

only today

what if you 

could have no regret

because you never

let tomorrow

make you give up

today 

Flower Power

I had a fantasy a couple of weeks ago as I left my house. As I ran down my back stairs (now that there’s no snow, I can run) I looked at my nearly empty deck and thought, what if I could buy lots of flowers for the deck this year, and just turn it into an oasis of rest? That would be so lovely, so wonderful.  Of course my next thought was that flowers are frivolous and expensive and so maybe one day. One day, where all my best hopes and dreams live. 

The past couple of weeks the weather has finally been warm enough and so I thought if I can’t buy lots of flowers, I could buy one or two flowering plants. It started with the potted dahlia Erin & Andy & Audrey gave me for mother’s day; I repotted it, and it looks so lovely outside. Also, the past couple of weeks has been so stressful that I felt like I needed flowers, a trip to Bachman’s, anything to make me remember that I can have and do some things I want. Being frivolous, not frugal, is important to me. So, yesterday Megan and I went to Bachman’s, twice. And bought beautiful flowering plants, twice. 

This is what happened. The first time we went to Bachman’s we became enchanted looking at all the flowers and picking flowers that would go with each other, like planning a potted garden. What about this one, ooh, pretty but too pink. This one maybe, yes, the yellow with the purple, we can put it in the green planter, then. How about the little fairy gardens? Maybe we’ll plant violets in the little rock planter?  I told Megan about the Buddha statue I’d seen at Marshall’s earlier in the week, maybe it was still there? So, we went there too, before we went home. The Buddha statue was gone, but there were lots of big planting pots. Hmmm. 

Once home, we became even more passionate about the project. Who knew this could be so much fun? Then we had to go back to Bachman’s to get more dirt, and then maybe another flower or two? It was getting late in the day, and it was Sunday, when stores close early. So we made it to buy more flowers, more dirt, and even a little gnome  to put in one of the pots, before Bachman’s closed. And then we decided we should go back to Marshall’s to get the pots we’d seen earlier, since they were quite a bit less money than the pots at Bachman’s. It was a bit after 6 when we got to Southdale, it was looking good, there were still cars in the lot. Macy’s was open until 7, we were still good, until we got to Marshall’s and the security gate was halfway down the door. 

Megan and I looked at each other and ducked under. We headed straight for the pots, we grabbed two quickly and headed towards the checkout. Both of us nervous and sheepish. We are not the pushy shopper types, we are reluctant shoppers most of the time. Megan has to remind me to say excuse me rather than wait for people to move. We looked at each other in shock when we heard the  security gate being closed all the way. So there we were after closing, trying to purchase pots, the high of planting flowers still coursing through our veins. Fortunately, at the checkout, the clerks (and manager) were all quite kind, saying, oh we didn’t know anyone was still in the store, and yes, one cashier is still not closed out yet. And then, when I asked which way out? No worries, we’ll open the gate and let you out. 

We were relieved and giddy and surprised at ourselves. We were in sync on this mission. Proud of our dedication to the project, stopping at nothing to complete our plant potting. We noted how if either of us had hesitated at the halfway closed gate, we could never have pulled it off. We carried our big pots out to the car. Excited to get the plants potted. We stopped at the co op for hamburger and buns for dinner, and then finished planting our plants when we got home.  We have one pot left over, Megan reminded me the lovely hibiscus that we didn’t buy would be perfect for it. We’ll have to go to Bachman’s again soon. It was a lovely day, and I now have a lovely deck, now; not some day. What was that Goethe said? “Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.”