Gregorville

So, this past week, on Tuesday to be exact, right when I was turning off of Hennepin Avenue onto Washington Avenue on the way to Megan’s voice lesson at MacPhail; I had this overarching sense of being Gregor, the character from Kafka’s Metamorphosis. I felt completely like I was a bug, on my back, intractable, stuck and helpless, thinking that someone could come along at any moment and squash me, if I wasn’t well, so big. I remember this thought/feeling, because I shared these thoughts and feelings with my friend who I spend the half-hour of Megan’s lesson, chatting with.

I enjoy this time with her, her son at piano, two working moms, taking a break. I am envious of her, as she has found herself a job in Chartre, France, and had just returned from Chartre, and Paris; finalizing things for her and her family’s move there next month. Here I was, stuck in Minneapolis. It seems ironic as I write this, as Minneapolis was my France only years ago, when I was stuck, really stuck, in Owatonna. The story of Gregor, has been on my mind then, for days, my own stuck feeling, haunting me, scurrying in the back of my mind, like a bug.

Perhaps Gregorville is a state of mind, which I think was mostly Kafka’s point, (besides all the political and sociological implications of The Metamorphosis). For me, Gregorville is the place that Minneapolis becomes in the winter— dark, bleak, short days, cold nights. It emphasizes the elements of the story for me, stuck in a job, to keep the family going. Stuck in a system that seems to perpetuate fear; food prices rising, the fiscal cliff (why not a fiscal prairie?) guns and murder and mayhem on the news. A system that continually asks the questions, “Can I get off my back?" And, “Will I survive?”

This is also a personal dilemma, as was Gregor's. Choices for me between taking care of myself, and taking care of others, including my family. I've known for a long time now that I'm not taking the time that I need for myself, to take walks, to go to museums, and I continue to wrestle with the guilt of not taking good enough care of myself, when for a really long time, it was enough for me to be able to take care of my children. I worry that I have to choose between taking care of myself and providing for myself and my family. I need to believe that I can do both. 

And so, in this new year, in the bleak mid-winter, I use my energy to pull back from the capitalist system, from the patriarchal system, from any systems that try to drain my energy, and out of that negative pull. I pull far enough away into the system of abundance,  (where the air is better), full of enoughs, with gratitude that surrounds me. Gratitude for a place to be, people to be with, and love solid enough that it knocks me off of my back, and onto my feet, no longer a bug. Keeping warm, keeping safe, keeping fed, in the bleak mid-winter. Spring is inevitable.