a day in the life

so here it is the middle of September and where am I? 

I’m not feeling like I have much to say, but finding that I need to say something, anything, right? Can I say something about the fuzzy place of life, where there is no clarity, no confirming evidence of anything, but just the place in between? 

I’ll try. My private practice as a therapist is building, slowly, but surely. I’m not sure how or what the next steps are. All I can do right now is pay my rent, show up, and be a good therapist. My day job is ok, but I’ve been looking at other options, but then stepping back, as I’m worried about losing stability. Trying to balance stability versus the option to try new things. Trying to balance that with thinking that maybe becoming a busier therapist is enough of a new thing. Then there’s the writing piece. 

My imagination is overflowing with writing ideas for non-fiction and fiction for young readers. I keep putting these on the back burner, but they keep calling out to me, to come into being, to take on form, to be born into the world. I wonder when Mother Love, my memoir, will ever be out in the world, a finished book. The People’s Apocalypse, the edited book that a piece that I wrote was selected for, was supposed to be delivered in June, hmm, not sure where that’s at. No news, and nothing in the mailbox. 

And then teaching, I’m scheduled to teach a resume writing course next month, about a week or so after I present with my daughter at the Women & Spirituality Conference in Mankato. We hope to integrate some of Brené Brown’s new work on vulnerability into our workshop. I ordered a copy of her new book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Changes the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead for each of us. They are in a box on my dining room table. Pan to the dining room floor: my toolbox out, with paint tools around it. I haven’t quite gotten around to cleaning up from re-doing the bathroom. The bathroom is pretty much completed, except for a piece of molding near the floor that is a mess. It might remain that way for a while. 

Because, today, I woke up not feeling well. Not really terrible, but allergies, or a cold, and just too tired to do many (any?) of the things on my to-do list. But it will be alright. I’ll meditate, do the dishes (Meg made breakfast) and enjoy what I can of this beautiful day. I’m trying to make space in my life for the things that need to emerge to emerge, the things that need to recede to move back, and the things that need to move forward to move forward. I keep imagining a life where my home is bigger, my life is simpler, and I actually have a partner and we keep up a home and life together, like this is my goal. And it is a goal, but one of many. I’m also trying to let go of that future for now, to live in today and to embrace the chaos that is my life right now. I’m wanting to let go of the tension between the now and then. I’m trying to step back and let the Universe lead for a while. Miracles will happen. 

ps, I’ve deliberately tried to keep my blog link free, to keep it simple, and to step back from the busyness of everything, but I think Brown’s work on vulnerability is so amazing, that I’ve left it a link.