the cigarette thing

I feel like I need to explain a bit about the cigarette thing. It’s been one of those things, that I’ve sometimes had to explain, but to explain means having to go into something I’m not really entirely ready to go into, but I’ll give it a try. The thing where I casually buy cigarettes for my adult daughter, which seems a little out of character for me, because, well, it is.

Besides my memoir on being the mom of a teen mom (which is written, but unpublished), I know I have another memoir inside of me (unwritten), the story about being the mom of a child with hypothyroid disease, which, sadly, was undiagnosed for nearly 10 years, even though I brought her to specialist after specialist. This story unnerves me still, makes me sad, and angry because it seems impossible to try to tell how hard it was to parent a child with horrible symptoms (the worst, unremitting depression), and not know what was wrong. How I blamed myself, how the doctors thought she had a mental illness, how she struggled in school, how she had no energy and no motivation, not even to live. 

So, anyways, the short story is, years ago, she started smoking as a way to cope, to deal with the anxiety, and I actually supported her in this, as it did help. When we were left with a situation in which I had no clue as to how long she would suffer with her depression and her hopelessness, smoking seemed like a really silly thing to worry about. So, she’s 23, she smokes 3-4 times a day, it’s her deal, it’s her life. She is now on medication for her thyroid that has given her her life back, she’s reclaiming it slowly. She sings, she does yoga. Maybe one day she’ll quit smoking, maybe she won’t, I don’t care, she’s doing fine. I have, as they say, bigger fish to fry. 

Free Fall

Megan would say that I am often a whiner and a drama queen, and I guess she is right. She at least has the right to her opinion. I, however, envision myself as long-suffering and stoic, especially this past week, when I’ve had the worst-cold-ever. All I wanted to do today was lie around in bed and read Her Fearful Symmetry, by Audrey Niffenegger, because it has lines, paragraphs, that read like poetry, and real life, and dreaming, all together, and I just want to have a day doing nothing. But no, Megan needed cigarettes, and she told me this last night, just before I went to sleep, “Please mom, I’ll need cigarettes in the morning, how about before 9:30?” So I roused myself this morning, blew my nose a million times on toilet paper, because I’d used up all the tissue already and drove three houses away to the BP on the corner. I grumbled at her as I was dressing, “Megan, what will they think of me, pale and coughing, and buying cigarettes?” I also told her that maybe I was enabling her, that she could buy her own cigarettes, and well, sometimes she does. . . It’s this parenting gig, that people think will end. 

They dream about it when their children are little, just get through toilet training, just get through kindergarten, just get through grade school, high school, college. . . But parenting doesn’t end, and it’s become ok with me, it’s just that it’s a different kind of responsibility, a different kind of work. Because I haven’t felt well, this whole week felt like a jumble, like I had to let go of the line of what usually balances me, and just free fall through whatever came my way. To only make partial sense of things, and to leave it at that. I worked a full day yesterday, and was tired and ready to go home when a colleague suggested we stop off for happy hour, and so I did. Sat at the bar, in my jeans and sweatshirt, and my roughed up nose, from all the blowing, and just sat, had a couple of wine spritzers, being the light-weight I am and tried to understand that male bonding thing that guys do in bars. 

The put downs, the innuendos, the cagey way they skirt around each other, never quite letting their guards down. I’ve learned to be ok with this now, being ok with the facade, the fear in their eyes, the way they’ve internalized gender roles and sexuality so that they are entrapped by it, yet can’t see it. They are surprised sometimes that I put up with it, and it may have made me angry in the past, but I can see now, that it is their own peculiar defense against emotional intimacy, with anyone, even themselves. I can enjoy their company, the stories they try to tell in between the jabs, realizing that this is a sort of social dance in and of itself. I only stayed for a little while, and then stopped and picked up dinner to make when I got home (see, I told you I’m long suffering). I put a steak on the grill pan, threw potatoes in the oven and then watched 2 episodes of Doc Martin before bed, before Megan asked for cigarettes. 

It’s Saturday, it’s only 9:00 am. So, I’ve bought the cigarettes and I’m still going  to try to work my day around being in bed today, and reading, but I’ll have to go to Target, to pick up Megan’s thyroid meds, and she’s also told me that we need to go get Erin, then go to a yarn store, so that together they can pick out yarn. Megan is going to knit a Hello Kitty hat for Audrey (Erin’s daughter, who is 2), to wear for Halloween. See, the parenting gig does not end, and I’m tired, but I do love hanging out with my daughters, and I love that they are spending their time doing something creative and loving for Audrey. We just love our babies in this family, and Audrey, like me, just loves Hello Kitty. 

fall

spring held promise of love

summer heat dried up the ground

and no flowers bloomed

I tread the hard ground

around and around

until fall came

falling

fast 

a day in the life

so here it is the middle of September and where am I? 

I’m not feeling like I have much to say, but finding that I need to say something, anything, right? Can I say something about the fuzzy place of life, where there is no clarity, no confirming evidence of anything, but just the place in between? 

I’ll try. My private practice as a therapist is building, slowly, but surely. I’m not sure how or what the next steps are. All I can do right now is pay my rent, show up, and be a good therapist. My day job is ok, but I’ve been looking at other options, but then stepping back, as I’m worried about losing stability. Trying to balance stability versus the option to try new things. Trying to balance that with thinking that maybe becoming a busier therapist is enough of a new thing. Then there’s the writing piece. 

My imagination is overflowing with writing ideas for non-fiction and fiction for young readers. I keep putting these on the back burner, but they keep calling out to me, to come into being, to take on form, to be born into the world. I wonder when Mother Love, my memoir, will ever be out in the world, a finished book. The People’s Apocalypse, the edited book that a piece that I wrote was selected for, was supposed to be delivered in June, hmm, not sure where that’s at. No news, and nothing in the mailbox. 

And then teaching, I’m scheduled to teach a resume writing course next month, about a week or so after I present with my daughter at the Women & Spirituality Conference in Mankato. We hope to integrate some of Brené Brown’s new work on vulnerability into our workshop. I ordered a copy of her new book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Changes the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead for each of us. They are in a box on my dining room table. Pan to the dining room floor: my toolbox out, with paint tools around it. I haven’t quite gotten around to cleaning up from re-doing the bathroom. The bathroom is pretty much completed, except for a piece of molding near the floor that is a mess. It might remain that way for a while. 

Because, today, I woke up not feeling well. Not really terrible, but allergies, or a cold, and just too tired to do many (any?) of the things on my to-do list. But it will be alright. I’ll meditate, do the dishes (Meg made breakfast) and enjoy what I can of this beautiful day. I’m trying to make space in my life for the things that need to emerge to emerge, the things that need to recede to move back, and the things that need to move forward to move forward. I keep imagining a life where my home is bigger, my life is simpler, and I actually have a partner and we keep up a home and life together, like this is my goal. And it is a goal, but one of many. I’m also trying to let go of that future for now, to live in today and to embrace the chaos that is my life right now. I’m wanting to let go of the tension between the now and then. I’m trying to step back and let the Universe lead for a while. Miracles will happen. 

ps, I’ve deliberately tried to keep my blog link free, to keep it simple, and to step back from the busyness of everything, but I think Brown’s work on vulnerability is so amazing, that I’ve left it a link. 

Labor

Some thoughts on labor day weekend

So, the political stuff is coming out and people are posting on Facebook, and I’m sure other places as well. I am intrigued by politics, I am bored by politics, and I’m always a little surprised that people like movie stars think they know enough about anything to voice an opinion nationwide. But that is our nation. 

If I speak to, (or write about) something, anything, I hope to have somewhat of an educated say. This is my hope. This doesn’t mean there’s no disagreeing, but it does mean that what I’m saying is based on my limited understanding of some things, and my more in-depth understanding of others. This is something that doesn’t get said often enough. What is a politician’s expertise, exactly? With what rigor have they studied both the problem(s) and the possible solutions? What has been done, and what can be done? Who are the experts they are consulting? How about instead of a candidate, we vote on a plan? I understand that this is supposed to be part of the process, that the parties supposedly have plans--but these plans are not in the news, Clint Eastwood is. 

What often comes into play, is what I see as “appeasing my god.” This is not a new thing to humankind, the reason that the old testament god tempted Abraham, (according to some) to kill his son Isaac, was to see if Abraham would follow the heathens who were known for sacrificing their children to the god Molech. On a new twist to this, since the old testament (and therefore new testament) god does not want human sacrifice, some folks (those who hold abortion to be wrong in their god’s eyes), deem that the reason we have suffering in our country/culture is that we have legal abortions. A god who does not want sacrifice, therefore, but wants retribution. A god who retaliates, (the same god I think, who invented forgiveness). 

What I'm wanting to know, however, is, is there a politician out there somewhere who can unhinge their personal religious belief system from what is good for our country? Is there someone out there with a good grasp of economics who also understands the power of our country’s history? Who understands that there have been some initiatives that have worked? Just look at the infrastructure that was created after WWII. Just look at the work of the unions who brought us safety and decent wages to some professions. Do you see the movie industry waning? Just look, and you will see union symbols on the ending credits of films. Who can predict where we need to be in 10 or 20 years for the sake of education and preparing the new little ones entering kindergarten this fall? Who can put into place initiatives that can be implemented before these kids graduate college? 

Who can take all the health care dollars being drained and put into the pockets of insurance company executives and put them into a universal program that makes premium health care for all a priority? That brings down our dismally high infant mortality rate? Studies show over and over that people are most happy when they live in a culture where everyone has what they need. In that sort of culture, you are not measuring yourself against your neighbor to see if you come out “better.” You are measuring your standard of living by the satisfaction that comes from everyone doing well. Who can bring about this sort of prosperity to our nation? 

Trying to appease a god, (or anyone) seems to me to be a very scary way to run a nation. So, how do we run our nation? Do we make a huge chart that lists issues such as, the health care crisis, war, returning vets and that health care crisis, unemployment, providing schools that nurture and educate, providing a safety net for folks unable to work, cleaning up the environment. . . ? How about a reality show that shows us how the government is project managing our country? How about spread sheets that can encompass every sector? Is there a graduate program somewhere for prospective candidates with courses such as “Dealing with a middle east crisis?” How can we even possibly know who is qualified for the position of “leading” or managing our country?

I’m just asking, who’s in charge and what are their credentials and world view? I understand the power of cash to buy things, including position and votes, how much of this really does come into play (outside of what we know from Michael Moore)? Don’t ask me to listen to an actor talking to a chair, or believe in someone who feels so unsafe they need to have the power of a gun (or corporation, or church) behind them. Don’t ask me to take seriously someone who thinks that we all need is to appease their god. I seriously don’t think outlawing abortion or birth control will solve the debt crisis. Where is a candidate who can bring wisdom and healing to our nation, instead of rhetoric and flag waving? A candidate with no gods to appease? 

And more about labor

I just have to bring up this wonderful book, called All Things Are Labor: Stories by Katherine Arnoldi, it is beautiful and wonderful. I love it because it is a work by the same author who wrote The Amazing  True Story of a Teenage Single Mom. Arnoldi inspires me as a mom and a writer, and years ago she inspired me when my daughter was a teenage mom. She reminds me of the holy spirit that resides in all of us.