Enough Shoes

Often weekends are hard for me; it’s a combination of not knowing how to unwind and have fun, and of having had a week that was just too busy and so all the little life chores end up waiting for me. Piles of dirty clothes look up at me to be washed, the unpaid bills menacing me with late fees. Dust bunnies scamper about, taunting me. One of the ways that I’ve learned to cope with my feelings of helplessness and fear is to shop. I don’t add to my stress by buying expensive things I can’t afford, no, I buy shoes and boots that I get at an outlet store for anywhere from $3.00 to $15.00 a pair, and I rationalize it by saying I need shoes. Who doesn’t? Especially in MInnesota, and when I spend my days running from one place to another, walking from place to place in my multiple roles, they wear out. It’s getting colder, I decided I need a new pair of boots, even though I’ve uncovered three pair in a bag in my closet. Are these still hip? Maybe not.

So, I go to my favorite outlet store, which of course is more than busy on a late Saturday afternoon, and so I wait in the parking lot for a car to pull out. On the other side of the lot, a woman drives in and starts to signal for the spot I’m waiting for, I’m first, I’m closer, and I get the spot. During this time, the woman (in a late model luxury car) honks her horn continuously. Hmm, I think, she’s a bit over the edge. This was my first clue. I then proceed to get out of my car, thinking, “I don’t need to let her intimidate me. I was waiting for the spot, it’s just a parking space.” But also thinking, “Geez, maybe I should just back out and let her have the damned space.” But I don’t. So, as I’m walking to the store entrance this woman screams at me, “What do you think you are doing?” Second clue, a angry person who asks an obvious question like this is already irrational. When I ignore her, she says, “Didn’t you see me signal for that space?” I reply, “I was signaling also” and continue walking. At this point (okay this is more than a clue), the woman yells, “Fuck you!” To which I reply, “That’s lovely.” To which she replies, “So are you.” Hmm, she’s not very good at this.

I feel strangely on edge and afraid; I’m looking through the boots and shoes, thinking, “Will she come in here and get in my face?” Also darkly thinking, “Maybe I should just leave.” But I don’t, I tell myself I’m being silly, and ask myself, really, is a well-dressed older woman a threat to you? So I continue shopping, go to a store across the street, and even mention it when some women at the counter are talking about finding parking. It seems that people get a little crazy when bargain shopping. When I get to my car, less than an hour later, and go the the driver’s side, that’s when I see it. The entire length of the two doors and the front end of my car have been “keyed.” The paint still lies curled up on the edge of the scratch. Wow, this woman really was in a state. She screams and swears at me, and then damages my property over a parking spot.

As I’m there, looking at the damage, an African-American couple get into their car, next to mine, and they ask, “What’s wrong.” I tell them, they are kind, the man asks me “Was it a black woman or a white woman?” Wow, what a question, I’m unsure of how to answer that , but I say, “A white lady.” He’s incredulous, “A white lady did that?” “Hmm, mmm, yes.” The woman calls out to me to have a good weekend, anyway, as they drive away. It gives me a bit of relief in this weird moment of wondering what to do. I call the police and report it, the officer says, I could have called when she swore at me. Who knew?

As I drive home, I ponder the whole situation, thinking, “Should I have just relinquished the spot? Should I have entered into dialogue with her when I realized how angry she was?” I could have said to her, “Obviously, this spot means much more to you than it possibly ever could to me, here, take it.” But I also wanted to not be bullied, not be intimidated, is there a middle ground? So, I ask myself, “Where was my compassion?” Granted, we can’t go around hearing people all the time, or can we? She obviously had much more going on than finding a parking spot. I can only imagine.

So for me to report this to my insurance and to try to have it fixed is probably not worth my deductible. What’s my take away? It’s only a car, and I can’t fix this woman’s anger problem. I had every right to that spot, how could I have known that this woman’s behavior would have escalated to this point? She obviously found a space, parked, and decided to key my car. I have the reminder that possessions are not important, I guess I needed to let go of having a car with an unmarred paint job. I also think I may need to let go of buying shoes and boots to self-soothe. Last night I found the message (in a book on self-compassion) to “accept yourself just as your are.” Now may be the time for me to re-embrace self-acceptance, somehow, it used to come more easily. Instead of craving new shoes, to take a walk, and next time, when someone else wants the parking spot I’m waiting for; I think I will practice mindfulness and abundance, and leave way the place, there’s always another spot, in an abundant universe.