The Historical is Personal

There is a feminist saying, that goes, “The personal is political.” And it is. An apt example is abortion, where a highly personal decision is polarizing parties and influencing political decisions. As I unravel my own past, my own life and try to understand where I’m at in this journey without a single map, I’ve found that the historical, too, is personal.

I’m reading about the historical roots of attachment theory, trying to understand how people best grow into their most authentic self, how our earliest attachments, do indeed either give us a knapsack full of rocks, burdens to bear, or a picnic basket full of sustenance for our journey, or sometimes, a combination of the two. I didn't have a horrible childhood, but my parents were not attuned to me. This means, they did not notice my emotions, or help me regulate them, or talk about them, or reassure me much about life. And now we know that this is important.

A bit about the history, well into the 1930’s and 40’s sterility was still the most important thing in hospital wards for children. Handling or holding sick children was thought to spread infection and even parents weren’t allowed to visit. About this time, however, clinicians were also finding that children were not thriving and even dying in this environment. Now, of course, we know, that children need to be held and cared for, and picked up when crying. There is no such thing as ‘spoiling’ babies and children, something I was warned against when raising my own children, in the not too distant past.

I see now, the world into which my parents were born did not prepare them to emotionally attune to their children. My parents were most likely only marginally attuned to (if at all, if not dismissed), and so with this missing piece, how do we even know what to look for? Dan Siegel, researcher in interpersonal neurobiology puts it this way; Contingent communication has three steps; 1 perception of signal, (the parent hears the child), then, 2 makes sense of the meaning and 3 can respond back in a timely and effective manner.

This might sound simple, but what is responding back in a timely and effective manner? This is where I still trip up! I still flounder at times for words that are kind and compassionate, instead of flip or show my frustration in the moment. Part of the problem is not hearing the script growing up, and by not hearing the script, not connecting the emotional pieces, either. I’m rewriting my family history, undoing decades of un-attuned parenting. It's really slow going sometimes, but my family continues to grow in love and compassion as I do. It's a legacy only I can leave.