Bad Dreams

I am happy to be awake this morning; because last night I had bad dreams. It feels embarrassing even, to have had such dreams, such confusion. And I awake confused. Thinking, “What the hell?” I have been trying new ‘stuff’ lately. Like trying to connect with and feel my feelings. I am reading books on emotions and learning how better to listen to my emotions. I am thinking this will make me feel better, less tense. I walk around too often with my shoulders feeling like they are burdens of bricks, and with tenseness in my lower back that seldom goes away. I am tired of it. I am tired of being tired and I in my quest for wholeness, believe that I can get better, stronger, and not hold onto feelings and energies in this way.

So, the first dream. This theme is recurring for me. It is the end of the day, and it is time to lock up the house. It is usually a big house, with about 2-3 doors, and doors that are hard to get to or lock. It is either dusk, or darkening, but not very dark. I see shapes outside the windows, and the wind is blowing, gently. I start to feel spooky already, thinking about having to lock the doors, and wondering, hmm, how long have they been unlocked? So, in my dream last night, I have to go into a basement to lock the door. In my dream, my youngest (my baby) who is now 20, is about 4 or 5, and she is happily following me into the basement.

The basement is full of junk, boxes, we have to climb around them, to get to the very back of the basement where the door is, or else I am just worried that someone is already in the basement and I don’t want to lock the house up with an intruder in it. Megan is following happily behind me. I get towards the back, and I can’t see over all the junk and boxes, but I sense someone (with evil intent) is back there, behind the junk and I maybe say (or I’m just wondering), “Is someone back there?”

Suddenly a plastic baseball bat comes flying toward me and I say to Megan, “We’ve got to get back upstairs.” And she is trying to get around the boxes, and we are trying to get back upstairs and I am so afraid, and I’m wondering, “Do I call the cops, or just get out, or what?” I am so scared. Seriously, so scared I wake up with my heart thumping. I go back to sleep and have....

Dream number two. I am at a resort. Wow, I never go to resorts. Thing is, we, me and my three girls (and my ex, too) are all staying in a sort of lodge that has shared space with the other people at the resort. The lodge is a big mess from feeding people, and you have to wait to do your dishes and so I spend the whole day in the lodge, doing dishes, and then when I get outside, I realize it has been a beautiful day, and people are still hanging out by this huge lake, drinking beer, laying on the beach, and I am so sad. It is nearly dusk, beautiful and the sun is starting to set. The day is gone, and I missed it. I missed laying in the sun, and just having fun.

I am so sad.I want to stay longer at the resort, so I can be out in the sun, but I go back to the lodge, and now my children are frantic, because they didn’t know where I was. I hear my cell phone ringing, and I’m trying to get to it, through people’s stuff, and there it is with a text from my oldest daughter that says, “Where r u??” And I realize she’s been trying to get in touch with me, and I was not there. I realize I didn’t tell my kids that I was going out of the lodge. I felt guilty for not telling them, for not telling them I went outside. I was just longing to be outside and be in the sun and relax with nothing to do.